Unexpectedly, I have become Hikigaya Hachiman
by minhmap859
Summary: A story born from the combination of a certain antisocial and disillusioned high schooler and a pathetically apathetic college student, both hell bent on finishing their own shitty chapter of youth, stubbornly set in their own way like a bull on a warpath. Or something. I mean, this is a shitty summary. Perfect fit for a shitty self-insert fic, don't you agree?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: Unexpectedly, I have become Hikigaya Hachiman. How terribly unoriginal, cliché and...wait, what was the the right word again?**

Existential crisis. The bane of middle-aged men stuck in a dead-end career. That strange, unknown feeling that pervades your mind like a snake coiling around your heart, squeezing for all its worth your raison d'être, reminding you so fondly of your inevitable mortality and how everything you did will be all for naught in the end.

But, or me, its that fleeting moment of awareness. Of what? Everything, I think. The absurdity of life, of me, of that feeling that I don't belong here, that this is not right and things will never be alright…

"…Tell me, Hikigaya. Do you recall what I said about the topic for this essay was?"

…and that is okay. I'm okay. Even though I'm now a character in a light novel series, even though everything I thought I had understood about the nature of reality is breaking down right in front of my eyes, even though nothing makes any fucking sense anymore, i'm still me. Just in the body of a certain Hikigaya Hachiman, with all his knowledge and memories.

Or is it?

What defines "me"? Body? Mind? The patterns of my atoms? Nah, they are all of Hachiman. Thoughts? if I'm thinking with his brain then how can his thoughts be mine to begin with? Memories? All the fleeting agony?

"…Hikigaya?"

…But then, they have all become one. As crazy it sounds, I am now him and he is now me, and I'm not sure which end is which.

Still, considering that I'm currently residing in his body, I guess I should refer to myself as Hachiman now.

A harder, better, faster, stronger Hachiman.

…Batman?

"…HACHIMAN!"

…Hachiman it is, then.

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Pay attention to me, damn it! Stop glazing all over the place with your rotting dead fish eyes!"

"Sorry, was thinking about..stuff."

"'Stuff', huh? Does this 'stuff' of yours include anything to do with this essay, Hikigaya?" Hiratsuka-sensei, if I recalled correctly, glared at me. "I'm giving you one last chance to explain yourself, Hikigaya: what is with this pointlessly condescending paper and how could you have thought ending it with a death threat was, in any form or way, a good idea?!"

"The essay topic was "Looking back on high school life" right? I did share my thoughts about high school life and I did finish the topic with a satisfying conclusion. I wrote what you ask, so therefore I am not at fault here."

"No you ARE at fault here you idiot! This paper looks more like a death threat than an essay! I'd expect you to reflect on your personal experience, not…whatever you call this!" Hiratsuka-sensei cried out with more then a little force behind it. If I was the Hachiman before, I would probably be intimidated into stuttering like a bloody idiot.

But I'm not.

"Well, you didn't say so."

"…What?"

"I mean, if you said so in preference to the topic, I would have followed it in a heartbeat." I paused. "Yet you didn't. I ain't a psychic, madam. I can neither read your mind nor your memory card." I took a breath and look at her agape face "…Nor reverse your control input, but that is beside the point."

"…Don't get smart with me, kid."

"Well, it is true that I am just physically a kid…compared to you, that is."

But then, all the smart talk I have about mentality and whatnot died down in my throat the second after I realized my mistake: Hiratsuka, in all her glory as the Christmas-cake to topple all of Christmas-cakes, is very irrationally sensitive about comments made on behalf of her age.

"…I'm very sorry." I said to the certainly not fuming mad face of a certainly violent but and certainly not old teacher whose fist is just millimeters to my face. "Let's just forget this, okay? I will rewrite the essay, so just sit down, please? Violence is not the only answer, y-you know?"

Still fuming, Hiratsuka fumbles around with her front pocket and pulled out a cigarette, tapping its filter hard against her desk like how old geezers would do and then lit it up with her cheap 100-yen lighter. 3 long drags after, the now less angry but probably still as violent teacher glanced at me with a calculating look on her face.

"Say, Hikigaya…you're not in any club, right?"

"Yup."

"…Do you have any friends?"

"Acquaintances? Maybe. Friends? Nope."

"Okay, so..girlfriend?"

"Nope."

"Good! Let's do it this way! Firstly, rewrite your essay."

"Okay."

"Secondly, you will have to join the Service club as punishment for hurting my feelings!"

"Okay." Sheeeeez...Knew this would happen one way or another.

"W-wait no, you were supposed to say 'objection!'! Now my supposed cool speech is ruined!"

"Okay." Yup.

"Stop saying "okay", damn it!"

"Okay." This is fun.

"….Are you messing with me, Hikigaya?"

"No, I am not."

"…whatever. Just, follow me!"

"Okay."

"STOP IT, DAMN IT!"

* * *

...After a long, silent walk along with Hiratsuka through various hallways, I have finally come to face to face with it.

A door with a nondescript doorplate.

In due time it will be the "Service club", where troubled youths could come to ask for help.

And with a stroke of (bad) luck, I'll become a part of this cliché.

How do I know of this?

It's easy, really: I've read about this. This is a straight out of a light novel. Say, I'm dealing with both the unthinkable fact that I've become a fictional character and this paralyzing feeling of despair stemming from the fear that my life was just bunch of fabricated lies.

…Just another Tuesday, I suppose. Tends to get people steamy, and in some case, steaming mad.

"Hikigaya, quit daydreaming and get your sorry ass inside!"

"Okay."

"AND STOP USING THAT WORD!"

"Please do mind your manners, Hiratsuka-sensei." A female voice graciously said. "It is quite understandable for him to be stunned by my beauty." Nope, too distracted to care, But, Now that I look at her carefully…

Yukinoshita Yukino, grade 11, class J. Beautiful. Gracious. Abrasive. Likes cats, cute things and..that weird Pan-san figure or something. Weirdly competitive about things, which probably came from being born into a rich, competitive family and having Yukinoshita Haruno for a sister. A rational mind governed by an irrational heart.

Conclusion? A woman with a very tough shell, but a weak core who nevertheless strives to do the right thing. Well, what she considers 'right' anyway.

Too bad she's flat.

"...-ut Sensei, considering where this 'Hikigaya Hachiman" is currently looking at, I fear he might have impure, scandalous thoughts about my esteemed self." Ah, I guess they've done the introductions for me now.

"No worries Yukino, Hikigaya is quite adept at self-preservation. He wouldn't dare risk doing anything that results in a criminal charge, so you can rest your heart at ease." Indeed, too much hassle. "Besides, as you can see, he is a pitiable, easily distracted and lonely shell of man, one whose heart and eyes has been heavily corrupted. He is merely a petty thug who has a case of grandeur delusions."

"Petty thug?...I see…." Somethings never change I suppose, butterfly effect be damned.

"I know this will be hard on you, Yukino, but can I leave him to you? I am requesting you to straighten up his act and beat the reclusive disposition out of him…psychologically, okay? Physical violence isn't permitted."

"…If it's a request from sensei, I can't very well refuse…I accept." Oi, I can smell the distaste from here.

Sensei said with a smile. "So it is all settled, then!" She clapped her hand loudly. "I will leave the rest to you!" …And with that, she quickly left the room, leaving me standing here all alone.

…Wait, not alone. Yukinoshita is still staring me as if I am some kind of a walking freak show.

Which is probably true, considering the fact that if anyone ever knew what the hell happened to me, being called a freak would probably be the last thing I would worry about. It was utterly insane how calm and normal my exterior is through this whole damned thing, how ready I was to accept my innate reasoning, how fervent I tried to cling on any sense of normalcy I could see and feel and hear and…you know, sense.

Inside though, it was a mess. A stupidly hormonal mess born from the combination of a certain antisocial and disillusioned high schooler and a pathetically apathetic college student, both hell bent on finishing their own shitty chapter of youth, stubbornly set in their own way like a bull on a warpath.

…Oh my, this combination is beyond fucked up. Double the salt, Double the fun! Quadruple the chance to die from a heart attack!

"…Is something wrong? The fact you keep glaring at me even though I glared back already unnerves me enough, please put that disgusting serial-killer smile of yours aside before I start fearing for my chastity and well-being for real this time" Yukinoshita said, her eyes narrowed as she glances at me like a piece of trash.

Oh, I spaced out again. If I have a drink for every time I space out, I will probably die from alcohol poisoning pretty soon. Well, if I didn't die from acting like a jackass because I was drunk, that is. Thankfully neither me or Hikigaya like alcohol. Depression and alcohol is like a match made in heaven, or more likely, a normie's hopes and dreams, so naturally its fucked up.

Just like me.

"…Ehem. Could you..please… take a seat?" See, I spaced out. Again, much to my dismay.

"...Pardon me. I was thinking about..stuff." I replied a little unconvincingly. I can see her glaring at me intensely as I clumsy waddled around trying to make myself at home.

Way to make yourself suspicious, Hachiman.

As I sat down to the opposite of Yukinoshita, she ceases to glare at me and I cannot help but let out a sigh. This was a long day for me, and I am tired. Mentally. Physically. MAX coffee, I want MAX coffee! I need MAX coffee! Or a steaming hot cup of drip-filtered coffee with its dark, strong taste diluted by a copious amount of sweetened condensed milk!

"Hikigaya." But before I could go any further, Yukinoshita suddenly speaks up and broke me from my daydreaming , her voice rings clear and sonorous like bell, its tune resonating as it beckon me to cross the gap and transcend from one nightmare…to another.

...No point musing on what is inevitable, I guess.

"…Yes?" I reluctantly replied.

"Do you know what kind of club is this?" What is with that condescending smirk? I know you know that people expect nothing less from an princess-archetype like you, but please, try to keeps it in check or someday people will smack you right in the cheek! What a fucking terrible pun! I expected nothing less from myself! Good job, me, you are still full of shit! Yay for self-awareness!

…Ah crap, I was distracted again.

"Yes, I do." I-it isn't like I l-like you or anything, Distract-kun, you i-idiot! Leave me alone!

"Really?" …Oi, I can smell the disbelief over here. "Had Hiratsuka-sensei told you, then?"

"No, but I can take a hint, y'know. Helping others, accepting their stupid, teenage-related requests, making it an aesop along the 'teach a man how to fish and he won't starve' stuff, yadda nadda." I take another sigh, finally realizing how much a chore it is and will be for both the me right now and the me in the foreseeable future andddd ended up sighing again, this time with a much needed double facepalm. "...There, that is all there is to this "Service" club. Happy now?" I look at her expectantly….

"Hikigaya-kun, how many years has it been since the last time you talked to a girl?"…And proudly earned my first Yukinoshita-grade death glare. Y-yay?

"…Does sister count?"

"No."

…And with that, I heaved another sigh.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: ...Unoriginal? Predictable? Unimaginative? Sure, let's go with...all of those.**

..."Hikigaya-kun, while you aren't exactly wrong about the purpose of this club, the uncouth and vulgar way you said it leaves a bad taste in my mouth." Yukinoshita locks eye with me. "According to Hiratsuka-sensei, it is the duty of those superiors to save those who lead pitiful existence, so I will make sure that I accomplish what she required of me and fulfill my responsibilities. I will rectify your problems." She stands up, her arms folded. "Show some gratitude." Oh, an attack straight to the ego! She probably believes I will become indignant and defensive and so will spill out more information about myself, giving her more ammunition to better fire me down! Choo choo bitches, the Hikigaya Express isn't going to go down so easily! I better rectify that false belief of her by dragging her down to my level and beat her with viole-, I mean, experience!

"Gratitude? For what?"

"For the mere fact that I am still tolerating your existence, of course."

'Tolerating me? Please, you say it likes I was some kind of trash-"

"You are."

"...Which indeed I am, but it is rude to interrupt someone when they speak, you know." I slowly stand up, my face straight to hers. "But talking to you about rudeness is like trying to talk sense to monkey: no matter what you do, they will still screech and fling shits at you, for it is in their nature to do so."

"You sure you aren't measuring another's foot by your own last, Monkeygaya-kun?" She sneered.

"Not as sure as you, Yukinoprimate." I flashed her a toothy smile. "I can play this game all day."

"But I'd rather not: Based on my observation, it seems that your loneliness is a result of your corrupted mind and filthy language." Yukinoshita concluded eagerly. "Like I said, it is a duty of me as a superior being to save a lonely, pitiable existence like you, and so it is only right for you to show proper respect to me." Oh well, time to go full throttle.

"…What kind of drug are you on?"

"P-Pardon?"

"I asked you what kind of drug are you on, for there is no other reason I can use to justify your skewered-ball tripping perception on reality. You, superior being? Get a grip, your ego is baring its flat chest to the world: what make you so cocksure that you are fit to lecture me on problems you also have?"

"O-objectively, I am superior to you academically and physically. My popularity is also top notch." The move was super effective! Yukinoshita stuttered!

"Oh yeah, miss perfection with a sliver spoon in her mouth, I do agree that you are objectively better than me in these area, but I think you are missing the mark, so I will repeat it again, this time more clearly: What give you the moral high ground to lecture me about fitting in with society, miss bullied-through-her entire-childhood? "

"Y-you don't know me."

"And the same could be said to you, yet you are so adamant to believe that my way is wrong and yours is right. You don't know me, you don't know my history, you don't know anything about me other than the barest superficial, and yet you are still all so eager to judge and make untrue assumption on my character. Do you think it will motivate me to change myself into some super being or something? Sorry, not gonna happen. This is the best of all possible world. Deal with it. Or not. Your choice."

"…What are you saying? If you don't change, you will be at a level that will make living in society difficult." Are you trying to intimidate me? Yes you are. Yet you failed.

"You seem to hold a naïve belief that just by merely changing myself, society will wholeheartedly accept me, even though it didn't accept you." I took a breath. "Life is suffering, and those who live will suffer, no other way around it. If I have to suffer anyway, I want it to be of my own choosing. What is so wrong about it? Why should I dance to the tune of others, laugh to rhythm of others? Why shouldn't I just be content with what I have right now?"

"…You are just brushing away the problem. If you don't change, you won't move forward. And for parasitic trash like you, that is inacceptable." Oh, getting snappy, aren't we?

"Yet we all change and move forward. Another day passing is another step we took to our inevitable reunion with dusts and sand. You only consider the beneficial side of change, but that is not the whole truth. Change goes both ways. For there to be growth, there must also be regression." I paused. "It isn't mean to say that change itself is bad, but I refuse to change my principles on mere words from another, much less someone I consider a stranger who knows nothing about me yet have been rude and judgmental to me from the second I get into this room."

"…If that is how it is, it wouldn't solve any problem or save anybody." She says bitterly.

"Why should it? You solve one problem and another appears. You save one person and another appears. Can you solve everyone problem? Can you save everyone? Can you know for sure your way is the right way to solve a problem, the right way to save someone?" I sneered. "No, no you can't, and to say otherwise is no less of delusional."

"But it is the right thing to do!" Yukinoshita shouted at me, her eyes were that of bloodcurdling anger.

Bingo.

"Correction: you believe it to be the right thing to do. But I don't. Do your things, do your best, I don't care as long as it has nothing to do with me. One who wishes to change society should start with oneself first before going around preaching their subjective values and ideals to another."

"…If that's so, then there would be no way to relieve concerns and no way to redeem oneself would there?" She spat out, her face turns rigid as it redden with cold, piercing anger.

"I don't know, and I don't care: I wish to change nothing, save no one, and therefore I have nothing to prove, no pathological need to prove myself. I mean, whatever happens, happens. Why give a shit?"

"…Then why are you still talking?" She asks, her tone low and dangerous. She expects something serious from me. Some valid, profound-sounding reasons for her to bite on and tear apart.

"Because there is nothing better to do." So of course, I will give her a serious answer. "…And I am bored, anyway." The whole truth, even.

"!"

Ignore the shocked, angry glare of a certain Yukinoshita, I gaze at the door. "Hah…this is all pointless anyway, so can I go home now?" I said tiredly. "What is the point of locking two friendless, ostracized kids together in a single room anyway? You believe we will come to a heartfelt conclusion that we are not so different to each other and become sworn comrades or something? Sorry, but that only happens in shounen manga. Are you also delus-"

"YUKINOSHITA, I AM COMING IN!" Before I could finish my sentence, Hiratsuka sensei suddenly shouted and banged in so as to mask the sounds of door being unlocked. Too bad neither of us were fooled for a second: Yukinoshita reeled back almost 2 meters, her arms embracing her body as she took on a….defensive position?

"Sensei, did you actually lock me together with this beast, even though I have said that being near him make me feel like my chastity is in peril?" Oi.

"Ahaha, I mean, eh…" Oi. "…T-things have become interesting, right! A battle of wit and principles! I mean, since ancient time, when two collide in the name of justice, it is customary in shounen manga battle it out in an all or nothing match, right?!"

"But we aren't in a shounen manga…" Are we? Reality is confusing, and nobodies listen to me, so I guess there is a high chance that we are in a shounen manga. Or a doujinshi. Or a fanfic. A badly written one, mostly. A crack fic? Hikki x MAX coffee? Hikki x Apathy-kun? Hikki x Distraction-chan?

…Hikki x Hikki?

Thankfully, before I can muse further into madness, sensei let out a resounding laugh and turn to face us.

"Okay, I have decided! From now on, I will guide troubled lamb to this club where they will be under your supervision! Both of you will try to help them as you see fit, and who solved more problem and saved more people will be the winner! Who will be able to help these people? Gundam fight, ready! GO!"

"I refuse." X2

For a moment after that, Yukinoshita and I locked eyes.

"Absolutely refuse." X2

It seems that we are in complete accord.

"Tch, I know, stop rubbing it in my face!" Sensei bit her nail in frustration. "Ah, was the reference too obscure? Maybe a Robattle5 would be easier to understand…"

"Sensei, please stop acting childishly hyperactive. It is very unbecoming of someone your age, not to mention awfully indecent." Yukinoshita, her composure regained, retort with much gusto. If she is a pokemon, she would be an Ice type for sure, always hurling ice-cold sharp words like they were icicles.

YUKINOSHITA used ICY-COLD HURTFUL WORDS! It was super effective! SENSEI is stunned! SENSEI has turned red from embarrassment! SENSEI coughed as to hide her faux pas!

"I-In any case, it is decided! The only thing that will prove one's rectitude is their actions! If I tell you to have a match, then you have one! Neither of you have any right to say no!"

"Okay."

"…One more time, Hachiman." Hiratsuka suddenly growl at me as she tilts her head downward, her eyes completely hidden from my view. Huh? "One more time, and I promise I will make you suffer." Ah.

"Okay."

"NOW YOU HAVE DONE IT YOU LITTLE-" Before she could finish her sentence and jumped me, I have already vaulted over the table and arrive at Yukinoshita's side as the girl mentioned gasped and jumped out of her chair, taken completely by surprise from the suddenness of this development.

"Now obediently come here, Hachiman, and I promise it will be fast…" Haratsuka sensei has a dangerous glint in her eyes, one similar to that of a wild beast poked too much or a loli dragon lewd-ed too many time. These eyes promise too well of pain, of the fact that eventually, I will end up suffering under her hand one way of another. should I just give up right here and now and spare myself the pain of being a man?

No. No I can't. But then, what can a man do? What can I do? What should I tell her? That I am sorry? That I promise I won't do it again? That I will never ever poke fun at her childish demeanor again, that I will find her a Sweetheart from the Ground-Up who won't mind her terrible manner, smoking tendencies and strange hung-up over her age?

Alas, whatever I do, however I act, the result wouldn't change. The conclusions have been set. When I pick up one end of the stick, I also pick up the other. Even though human are free to choose our actions, we are not free enough to choose the consequences of those actions.

One can decide to step in front of a fast-moving train, but one cannot decide what will happen when the train hits them. Even if one truly believes he can fly, the second he jumped out of the roof of his apartment to prove his belief is the second reality-specifically in this case, gravity-reminds him that they are indeed harsh mistress. Needless to say, in a fight between gravity and an empty skull, gravity always wins, no matter how manga, anime and Hollywood have said and claimed otherwise. The only thing that person proved is that he is more than not a suitable candidate for that year's Darwin award.

In conclusion, we see that man always has the freedom to choose, even when he believes otherwise and the decision is dumb as fuck.

So, do I have the power to choose my response?

"Okay." Yes, indeed I do.

"AGGGHHH!" As the enraged woman-hulk jumped on the table and swoop down onto me like a hungry bald eagle, her coat flutters in the wind as its shadow envelopes me, there is only one question left in my mind, one of uttermost importance, one that refuses to leave even in the face of immense bodily harm.

Where can I find single-cup style drip filter?


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: As expected, FamilyMart does have** **single-cup style drip filter! Yay!**

"What is this, Onii-chan?" Komachi asked me, her voice sparkled with curiosity. "I smell coffee…are you actually brewing coffee? Wahhh, since when onii-chan has developed such a mature taste? I am honestly impressed! Ah, this scores a lot of Komachi point! And how do you use this thing?!"

"Slow down a little bit, you brat ." I rustle her hair affectionately. "And for your question, yes, I am brewing coffee."

…Oi, It isn't like am not actually betraying MAX-coffee sama though! MAX coffee always has an irreplaceable place in my heart! One that is filled with caffeine and sugar! Still, should Max-coffee be called coffee-flavored condensed milk, even though sugar and water is both at the top of the indigents list? Coffee-flavored sugary water?

…Wait, where was I again?

"Uhh…anyway, this little cup-thingy here is a drip filter." I point at the aforementioned object. "It is quite easy to use it really: you put grounded coffee into it, tap it a little bit to distribute the coffee evenly, put the filter back on and pour hot water into it. Of course there are more, but that is basically how you use this thing." I says, point to the almost finish glass of warm coffee and the small amount of white at the bottom of the cup. "And before you ask, that is sweetened condensed milk, not sugar. It is here to…sweeten the deal." I chuckled a little at my own bad pun, unknowingly aggravating the numerous sore spots on my body: damn, Hiratsuka had me good.

Too bad for her, the hammer of justice is unisex!

"Gomi-chan, I thought you have finally changed for better, but then you have to go and show me that kind of expression…Uhuhu~" Komachi cries out. "At any rate, I will work hard for this household's sake, so don't worry Oni-chan, I will protect this disgustingly evil corrupted smile of you! Oh my, that also scores a lot of Komachi points!" she beamed at me. Hah, this cheeky brat always knows how to cheer me up. "Anyway, because it is expected that the future me will have to work hard for your sake, you should hurry up and brew me some coffee too!"…I take that back, she is annoying.

"Nah, too lazy. Do it yourself."

"What?! Onii-channnnnn~~~" Oi, what are you shaking me for, you little shrimp?! No matter how much you shake me, I won't drop any loot, y'know!

"..As an exception, I will share my precious coffee with you. This 100% robusta, overly roasted blend is quite strong, so wait me a sec, I will mix the coffee with the milk-" *Kchack!* "-Ow, what was that for, Komachi?"

"Unlike you with your childish love of sickly sweet stuff, I am a full-grade up-n-coming lady with a mature taste, so give me just the coffee! I can even drink Starbuck coffee with no sugar, y'know!" She stated, her face haughtily lift up. Normally, I would have warned her more of the nature of what she is getting in, but today…today is a long day, and I am tired and beaten both mentally and physically, and her reaction would probablyyyy be pretty funny, so…why not?

"Okay, here you go. " I grab another cup and pour her some of the coffee. "Don't say I didn't warn you, though."

"Hmph, stop trying to scare me! what could possibly go wrong?" With a fearless smile, Komachi said that dangerous, flag-triggering line. "Now, just watch me down it in one gulp!"-

-Komachi stayed up until 2 am that night, and in hindsight, getting your face splattered with hot coffee is not funny.

* * *

Human likes to question things.

It is a survival tactics, and it has worked for eons.

Therefore, it is only natural that as one grows older, one will start having harder questions about the nature of things. "Why are we here?", "Why do we exist?", "Will there be any chance for Hiratsuka-sensei to get married?" …vice versa.

To these questions, I should paraphrase a certain mad German medic who isn't a Nazi and may or may not exist:

I HAVE NO IDEA!

I mean, the more I think about the nature of the literature teacher blocking my way right at the classroom door, the more hopeless her situation become to my eyes: there are still students here, y'know! What are you trying to do posing around like that? And what is with the unlit cigarette? If you care about keeping the no-smoking rule, you should not show them off in the first place to begin with! And sunglass? You are indoor for fuck sake!

"Hachiman." Standing motionless with her arms folded, to other onlookers Haratsuka-sensei probably looks more like a hard-ass prison guard than a literature teacher: I mean, If she had come dressed in a military uniform and carrying a whip, she wouldn't look out of place as an escort of some weird Domimatrix place.

"Sensei."

…With that said, what is wrong with me today? Out of all the things I could say to her, why this cool-ass-sounding introduction line? Am I being corrupted by her childishness? Will I begin to sprout colorful remarks and obscure references about Doraemon and Dragonball by tomorrow?

"It is time for club activities, Hikigaya." She said, soundly cracking her neck. "Where do you think you are going?"

"Home?"

"Tsch, it looks like you have forgotten the taste of my fists." She chuckles. "Need I remind you what happened yesterday?"

"That we both scuffled like children as Yukinoshita stood dumbfounded by our immature display?" I retorted instantly, not in the very least intimidated.

"…If you don't stop your mouth and follow me, I will make sure you will not be able to graduate in your final year." …Okay, I am now intimidated.

Without waiting for me to respond, Hiratsuka-sensei fist suddenly come flying at my side. As I move to block it, I found my arm grabbed firmly and before I know it, Hiratsuka sensei has dragged me out of the classroom as I obediently let her do whatever she want. I am sure I have heard more than one student gossiping excitedly about the exact nature of our relationship, but..meh, I mean, so what if they do- It isn't like my reputation can get any worse.

The hall is filled with students running amuck like squirrels on adderall as dude and gal and people laugh aloud to their own joke, mindfully not giving a shit to a pair of student-teacher wading through the crowded hallway to get to where they need to be, hand-on-arm. As in, her hand on my arm. Seriously woman, unhand me or something. I am not a child.

"…Hikigaya, what do you think of Yukinoshita?" -As I was thinking these pointless thoughts, Hiratsuka sensei opened her mouth as though she remembered something and ask me that question.

"Headstrong, willful, loner par excellence." What else to say without revealing my otherworldly, detached base of knowledge about a future that I am determined to not give a shit about? "..And a frigid bitch." Of course, that.

"Take one to know one, eh?" Hiratsuka-sensei chortled. "She really is an excellence student, though. Y'know, Hikigaya" She flashes me a bitter smile. "Sometime one can suffer just from having too much good things going for them."

"That I can see." I muttered. "Life deals her a very good hand- One so good that it looped all the way to bad and end up bite her in the ass."

"As I expected, the both of you are quite contrary, both 'illness' and manner wise." Hiratsuka sensei sighs."Neither of you will be able to adapt to society well at this rate."

"Yet I doubt your idea of bringing us both to same place will result in any positive outcome."

" Don't bash it unless you have tried it!" Sensei shouted indignantly. "Beside, I come prepared! I know just the thing to get both of you motivated about this match!" she 'humph' loudly. "Especially you, Hikigaya!"

"…Knowing you, it will probably be something childish like 'the winner can command the loser to do anything they wis-Ow ow ow, that hurts! If you don't want me to criticize it, then as least give it a little bit more thought!" I exclaimed rapidly as the frustated woman increase her grip pressure on my arm.

"Hmph! Keep talking like that and you will never, never ever have a girlfriend!"

"…I really do not want to hear that coming from you. Beside, I will pass: Having girlfriend and such is a hassle, especially for someone my age."

"Saying stuff like that with a straight face, as expected, your heart is completely twisted!" Hiratsuka chuckles and then smile at me. "Still, don't get the wrong idea that I am praising you, but I kinda like people who stick to their ideal, however twisted. Not many people do that nowadays, y'know."

"Hah, good ideal, bad ideal, twisted ideal. I don't know, I don't care." I laughed bitterly. "The only thing I know for sure is that I know nothing for sure." I look into her eyes. " -and even then, I am not quite sure about that."

…

…

"…Hikigaya, did you just misquote Socrates?"

-As expected, my plagiarism has been found out.

* * *

It has been half an hour since Hiratsuka-sensei had left to find 'troubled lamb' for us to help.

Putting down the lame as fuck light novel with a contemptible, misleading and weirdly erotic cover, I look at the face of a certainly more-grumpy-than-normal Yukinoshita whose competitive spirit has been played like a fiddle by people she deemed 'ridiculously immature': Take that, you…

…Grumpy cat?

I chuckled aloud from my own lame joke, right before Yukinoshita suddenly call out my name.

"Hikagaya-kun."

"Yes?"

"Are you a pervert?" ...Where did this question come from?

"Indeed I am. What about it?" My instant answer appeared to have severely stunned Yukinoshita, who probably was expecting something else from me. I mean, me, acting bashful? Not gonna happen.

"…I have no word. Normally, people will try to either steer the conversation away or deny vehemently about it." She sighed and massages her forehead "How utterly shameless of you, Hikigerma-kun."

"I will take that as a compliment." I smirked ."Why do you ask me that, anyway? Oi, you think I am lusting after you or something?"

"You don't?" Nonchalantly cocked her head in puzzlement, Yukinoshita asked me. "I was convinced that you liked me, in a perverted way."

"Nahhhhhh." I spat out. "Even a pervert has the right to choose his target."

"…I see. That is the reason you choose that book, then? For its perverted, less than appropriate cover?"

"In a sense, yes. Sex sell, y'know, and usually the light novel that need to have perverted, over-sexualized illustration tend to be either so bad it's good or too damn bad their only saving grace is the sexy cover." I look at the aforementioned light novel and sighs heavily "Either case, they both serve at a fine reminder on how to NOT write a story."

"…So you aspire to be an author?"

"No, but if by some weird chance I do become one, the least I could do is to not fail into the same trapping of the countless writer before me." I chuckled. "Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it, you know, and if by some off chance I ended up making the same mistake as them, as least I know who is to blame: no one but-"

"-Yourself?"

"Naturally."

"You are surprisingly harder on yourself than what I anticipated a brutish, pitiful social outcast to be." Yukinoshita said after a long look of consideration. "Why?"

"…Why not? " I chuckled. "Self-aware is a good trait to have, one that most people lack."

"Indeed." Yukinoshita nodded. "Well, although you and I are of different standard, I suppose we more or less share some similar quality."

"Pshh, birds of a feather, I say."

"Honestly, it is a little vexing when you say it like that." She sighed self-deprecatingly. "But I can't deny the truth behind that statement, not without lying to myself." She looks at me. "And I, Yukinoshita Yukino, do not lie."

"Yeah, yeah, you do not lie, you only mislead, withhold the information, or give half truth."

"How hypocritical of you to apply your own perfidious standards on me, Hikishady-kun."

"Never said I wasn't a hypocrite." I yawn and lay my chin down to the wooden table. "In fact, you can always count on me being a hypocrite. Oh, and being full of shit. Which is the same anyway."

"What a despicable avatar of sins we have here." Yukinoshita sighs as she massages her forehead. "And yet you still adamantly refuse to change yourself for the better. How can you become a productive member of society otherwise?"

"Society can eat a bag of dick for all I care."

"How juvenile. Have you not realized it was your apathetic, petty thug's nature that prevents you from achieving greatness, Hikigaya-kun? Please consider your future. What will your family think of you?"

"…They won't care. Unlike yours, my parents have never expected anything great from me to begin with. One can suffer from receiving too little expectation…" I point at her. "-Or too much, in your case". "Either way, they will all end in suffering anyway. The less you care, the more you gain. Wubalubdubdub, or whatever they say nowadays.

"I am in great pain, please help me?" Yukinoshita snickered "I didn't know primate's jaw muscles are capable of loosening that much, Hikiprimate-kun." She says matter-of-factly. "I suppose you learn something new every day."

"…I seconded that sentiment: I honestly didn't think that you of all people follow pop culture, and American pop culture to boost. Anyway, don't take that too seriously; I don't really give a shit." I burped as loudly as possible to make my point.

"How gross." Yukinoshita gives me a disgusted glare. "Yet completely in character for someone like you." She let out a sigh. "No wonder you can't get popular no matter how hard you try."

"No wonder I then stopped giving a rat-ass shit about petty thing like popularity, right?" I laughed wholeheartedly "But I am not the one to speak about that, honestly: Despite your popularity, you still suffer." I pause and look at her. "Or should I say, 'Because of it'?"

"Hmph, I honestly didn't expect a pitiful loner like you to ever fathom the depth of my plight, but it can't be helped. Nobody is perfect. People are weak. They have ugly mind, they get jealous easily and they always try to bring others down." Yukinoshita sighed deeply. "Oddly enough, the more superior you are, the harder for you to live in this world. Isn't that just wrong? That's why I will change this world and the people in it." Yukinoshita's eyes were dead serious as it harbored a coldness that could burn you as dry ice could. At that sight, I could not help but blurt out my thought absentmindedly.

"…I like that."

"Huh?" Yukinoshita cocked her head sideway, her face full of puzzlement.

"I mean, uhmm…I don't exactly hate your passion." I laughed awkwardly as Yukinoshita send suspicious glares at me. "Don't take this the wrong way and assume I like you or anything, but I am kind of praising you here: I honestly admire people who have the will and the drive to actually set their sight on something: an ideal, a passion, a core principle or something…and actually try to follow through it, staying true to themselves no matter how much the world tries to straighten out their twisted ideas."

"…Twisted? Maybe, but it is considerably better than your plan to dry up, wither away and die without changing anything, without leaving anything to mark the fact that you even exist in the first place."

"Yet I doubt there is anything to confirm that I have ever existed to begin with." I snickered under my breath.

"You were saying?"

"….Nothing. It does not matter anyway. Honestly? You are the one with the abilities, the qualities and the will to change anything. I don't, and I am fine with it."

"…I hate the way you acknowledge your weakness and yet still do nothing to change it." Yukinoshita said as she averted her eyes and turn to the windows. "It is pathetic."

"Indeed it is."

…The only sound I can hear is that of Yukinoshita sighing her lungs out as she massages her temple.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: And so, my life slowly drift away peacefully... until Yuigahama show up and decide to poison us all, and by us, I mean 'herself' too.  
**

* * *

"…Hikigaya-kun, what do you think this club is for?"

"You have asked me the exact same question the week before, woman, and as I said before, I do mine, you do yours: I will put down my phone the second you close your bo-*Thud!* - …Okay, I forgot again that you are a bloody tryhard." Yukinoshita flashes me a triumph smirk as she watches me stumbles through the motion of turning off my phone. Fucking magn-I mean, Japanese smartphone, how do they work?

"So…what now? I mean, look-" I sweep my hand through the empty classroom. "While Hiratsuka-sensei did promise she will spread words about our club's existence, it isn't like people will flock to us like mayflies to fire anytime soon, y'know. Give it a rest."

"A whole week has passed, and yet no one came. I find this… very infuriating."

"Then why didn't you do anything about it, then? Like, actively going around and help people or something?"

"Because it is impossible to save everyone and solve everyone's problem?"

"I fail to see how these things are connected, but..eh, whatever. As long as you don't-"

"-Hikigaya-kun, as a leader of this club, I hereby command you to go look for troubled students and bring them here." …this again?

"…As I said yesterday, that won't work. At all. I mean, assume the fact that I am somehow docile enough to actually listen and follow your absurd command, what do you think will happen when a renowned no-good loner suddenly come up to you in your time of trouble and start talking about a suspicious club that will solve your problem for free? If it was me, I would call the cop. Or the guidance counselor. Who is useless, by the way." I clear my throat. "All in all, it will just end in disaster for me, so no. Non. Nein. Nyet. I won't do it."

"Tsch, what a bunch of convenient excuses you have here, Hikilazy-kun." Yukinoshita sighs. "What do you think we shall do, then?"

"Uhm…we wait and do our own stuff in the mean time, just like how things were these last days?"

"Then that won't change anything."

"Nah, it is fine. I mean, this is the calm before the storm, y'know? Before you notice it, this club will get popular and requests will start piling up like no tomorrow! People will flock to you like lost sheep saying 'Yukinoshita-sama, help me, help me!' and such! You won't even have a moment's rest!"

"R-really?"

"Nah."

"!"

Ignore the betrayed expression of a certain Yukinoshita, I stand up and stretch my body, letting out a few creaking sounds that I did not know this body is capable of. "I am going to the toilet for a bit, so please _hold down the fort_ , okay?"

"' _Hold down the fort'_? How nonsensical. One can never _hold down a fort_ , for it is an inanimate object too heavy for the wind to blow away. Please refrain from butchering the English language with your preposterous phrasing and terrible understanding on how verbs work, Hikiloony-kun. Also, you forgot your phone." Yukinoshita points to the phone I left on the table as she keeps rambling away her frustration. It was kind of cute really, the way she act when she get all flustered. "Are you seriously that much of a careless idiot, leaving your personal possession around without a care in the world? Are you not afraid that somebody will steal it and worse, use it for nefarious mean and frame you?"

"Oh please, I am counting on it. Curiosity kills the cat, y'know." I slide the door open as I trade banter with her. "Or in this case, the cat's innocence, but I am not sure you have any to begin…with…." My voice trails out as I look at the baffled pink personification in front of me. "Erm…Yuigahama-san, right? Do you need something?"

It took our resident pinkie almost 5 seconds to notice me as she then jump back like a startled doggo, shakily pointing her finger at me. Cute.

"Huh? Eek?! W-why are you here? Why is Hikki here?"

"…I am a member of this club. You can say that Hiratsuka-sensei roped me into this." I laugh deprecatingly. "For the mean time, take a seat or something, okay? That girl over there is Yukinoshi-"

"I know who she is! I mean, everyone in this school know who she is, right?!"

"-ta, the lead-patient of this madhouse." Swiftly ignore Yuigahama outburst, I motion her to get inside and then casually pull up a chair right in front of Yukinoshita, who is giving me quiteeee a cold stare. "Just sit down right here and spill your heart out to her or whatever, okay?"

"T-thank you…" she appeared bewildered as she accepted my offer and sat down quietly. "I mean, I have never seen Hikki acting like this before, so out-of-character…" Yuigahama mumbled something under her breath.

"That thing is a living, breathing paradox." Yukinoshita breaths out and glare at me. "A disgusting, twisted mass of conflicting ideals take shape and form."

"As always, I will take your overly flattering comments on my characters as a compliment." I pompously sneered. "Anyway, look after my phone, okay?"

"No."

"…Then why did you put it in your front pocket, then?"

"Because I am confiscating it. New rule of the Service club: no smartphone allowed during club time."

"…Then I propose a new rule, too: No book allowed."

"Denied. And you don't have the authority to make new rule."

"How tyrannical! I suggest a democratic reform!"

"…Ahaha, This club seems like, really fun and stuff?" Yugaihama gasped as she looks at Yukinoshita and me with twinkling eyes. "I mean, how do I put it…Hikki is like, completely different from how he is, like, in class and stuff! For one, he is actually talking and not doing something weird and creepy!" Oi, hush, you lost puppy, hush!

"Anyway, I'm going to the toilet and stuff so have fun in the mean time, guys." I walk out and leave them some heart-warming parting words. "Just don't overdo it; I am sure Hiratsuka-sensei has bugged this room to hell and back."

"I take it back, Hikki is still creepy!" …Oi, why are you saying that with such a relived expression?

"Anywayyyy, anyone up for a drink? My treat."

"I won't take anything touched by your tainted, unwashed hands, Hikigerm-kun."

"…A yasai seikatsu 100 strawberry mix it is, then." My ability to remember useless trivial has strike again! "No, I can't read mind." I said before the bewildered Yukinoshita could open her mouth. "And I didn't stalk you, either. Please stop having the egregious assumption that I feel anything for you other than pure indifference, Yukinoshita-san. It reflects badly on your characters, you know?" I flashed her one bloody triumph smirk as I turn to Yuigahama and swiftly ignore the death stare glued to my back. "And what will you have, then?"

"M-me? Ehhhh... something cool? I mean, I am not good with thinking on the spot, ehehe, eh…how about café? That 'café au lait' stuff or something?"

"Got it." I nod at her and close the door behind as I concentrate my otherworldly memories and meta-knowledge on the character of this fluffy, bubbly-like cotton candy wrapped in marshmallows newcomer.

Yuigahama Yui. Student. Part of the Hayama's clique. Cheerful, outgoing people pleaser who wants to get along with everyone. Possesses an uncanny ability to read the mood and act accordingly all while being far more insightful than people give her credits for. Ultimately, she is a nice girl. One nice enough to priorities other things over her own much to her dismay.

Conclusion? She is a warm and fluffy peach-colored doormat.

In another word, the perfect fit for our resident hissy black cat, as always.

Mhm…now that I think about it, is this situation the 'fated encounter' sort of thing? I mean, how much of a coincidence that excluding the driver, almost all the people involved in that incident end up in the same club?

The more I think about it, the more questions it raises, the more pointless it becomes.

Might just get this over with.

* * *

..."Hiratsuka-sensei, what are you doing here? Why are you pacing back and fro in front of the male restroom with your face as red as a tomato and your clothes drenched in sweat? Are you feeling unwell, sensei? Is it that time of the month? Please restraint yourself, okay? Assaulting a minor is a serious crime, okay?"

"Hikigaya, stop being a smartass for a second."

…

"Okay."

"…Hi-ki-ga-ya."

"You said 'a second'. A second had definitely passed before I said 'okay'. "

"So you did say that to mess with me, huh?!"

"No, I didn't. You just assume so. Anyway, talk about assumption." I look at the suddenly sheepish face of a certain young woman who adamantly refused to meet my eyes. "…Stalking is a crime, you know?"

"W-what are you talking about, Hikigaya? I definitely did not install anything suspicious in that little clubroom of you! Honest!" Please stop fidgeting around; your breasts are seriously distracting.

"…Whatever. I know that while our situation may looks like fun and game and... y'know, typical shoujo boy-meets-girl romcom crap, it seriously is not. I understand you have the best intention in mind, sensei, but please." I firmly grasped her slender shoulders and flashed her one of the most heart-warming smile I could ever muster. "Get laid or something."

…

…

"Uuuu…" …Is she seriously crying?

…

…

Oh fuck she is.

"I-I tried. I tried really hard, you know?" Hiratsuka mumbles to herself as she chokes back tears. "B-but it all ended in failure! Failure! Out of all my friend, I am the only one still single! I don't wanna to drink and cry myself to sleep every time I went back from an outing anymore! I just want a husband! No, scratch that, even a boyfriend is okay, too! Why is it so hard for me to get married?!" She screamed out these last sentences as she started weeping loudly.

"O-okay, I went a little too far there, I mean…crap, I seriously don't know how to handle this kind of situation but… uhhh, it isn't all that bad, you know? H-Here, take it easy, I will buy you a drink and listen to your problems or something so just take it easy, okay…" I crooned to her as I softly patted her back and led the whimpering woman outside before the commotions she made could attract any unwanted attention.

But, alas, what can I say?

The truth is always easy to see and hard to swallow.

One who based their principles on fickle values like love or respect will always end up losing to themselves, if not to the world. Hiratsuka first need to realize that her view is unsustainable to begin with. A sickness imprinted on her by society, family, hammered into her brain in the name of tradition and good-old romanticism. If the only vision she has of herself comes from the social mirror -the current socially and politically corrected view, from the opinions, perceptions, and paradigms of the people around her- then her view of herself would be like the reflection in the crazy mirror room at the carnival: Disjointed, disoriented and out of proportions.

Are we human just creatures of habits and conditions, forevermore trapped by our own genetics, upbringings and environments?

Maybe, maybe not.

if our lives are a function of conditioning and conditions, it is because we have, by conscious decision or by default, chosen to empower those things to control us. There is a fundamental principle about the nature of man: Between stimulus and response, man has the freedom to choose. To act, to react, or to not care at all and go on with your life.

…What a load of bullshit that was, and what a load of bullshit I am. What she need right now is a comforting hand, a sympathetic listener, someone who acknowledge her, someone who understand her. Someone who can empathize.

Hah.

I mean, see how easy for us to say that kind of thing, yet never actually act or believe in it? Kind of funny how the more one tries to change, the more one stays the same. The more one tries to make sense of something, the more one sees how pointless and senseless it is.

…With that said, maybe I should start charging hourly rate for this kind of shit.

* * *

"You are late." Yukinoshita said matter-of-factly as she attempted to snatch the strawberry mix from my hand.

Keyword on 'attempted".

"No, I am not. Beside, what is with this attitude?" I said in a singsong voice as I wave the drink right before her eyes. "Yukinoshita, Yukinoshita, how about you 'show some gratitude?', huh?"

"Gratitude? For what?"

"For the mere fact that I just bought you a drink without expecting anything in return?"

"Yet you still expected me to 'show some gratitude', so that statement is empirically untrue." Yukinoshita laughs deviously. "Hikigaya, Hikigaya, are you so logically impaired that you forget what you say right after you say it? Are you an idiot, Hikigaya-kun?"

"Okay, okay, you win, you win! No need to rub it all over…" I hand the drink to the smug-faced Yukinoshita who is doing a fist pump. Hey, that is dangerously cute! "Congratulation, here is your prize for beating a smartass in his own game." With that said, I turn to Yuigahama. "Here, yours."

"Uh…Thanks, I guess?" Yuigahama rubs her eyes against her sleeve while looking at me strangely. "I mean, this is…ahaha, maybe I am just thinking too much into it, right?" Yuigahama laughs softly as she hold on to the canned coffee. "Everyone has a side they don't want others to know and such!"

"Is that a roundabout way to say that Hikigaya-kun is a back-stabbing two-faced misshapen lump of humanoid residue, Yuigahama-san?" Yukinoshita glares sharply at me in amusement as she drinks her fruit punch. "For if that was the case, I heavily suggest you to just frankly tell him the truth: that man's mutated skin is unusually thick for a useless piece of industrial garbage."

"First thing first, if I was two-faced, why the hell would I be wearing this one?" I snorted. "And if I was by some chance industrial garbage, then you would be agricultural waste. In another word, shit."

"Agricultural waste is by nature recyclable and useable, so I win by default."

"Who say you can't recycle and reuse industrial garbage? Your argument is just full of holes."

"Not as much as your pathetic, half-baked rebuttal, Hikigaya kun."

"Bah, just stop, we are getting nowhere with this shit. Anyway, have you found out what is holding her up?"

"Naturally, as a result of your absence, our conversation went along swimmingly." Yukinoshita says as she places her empty drink on the table and grab her schoolbag. "To put it simply enough even an illiterate brute like you can understand, she wants to make cookie, so we are going to the Home economics classroom to help her do so."

"Yeah, basically, it was like that, and I just don't want my friends to know about it, since…y'know, they will make fun of me and stuff, like, this is seriously old-fashioned and stuff, right?!"

"Yeah yeah, there is just one little problem here: I don't know how to make cookie. Just let me look for the recip-"

"…What have made you believed we were expecting anything regard to your cooking ability in the first place, Hikigaya-kun? We just want you there to taste the cookie and tell us your opinions."

"Okay, but-…"

"No but, we know you are useless in this kind of matter from the start. Just follow us."

B-but I can bake and stuff too!

"A-ahaha, Hikki, don't feel sad, okay?" Yuigahama look at me sympathetically. "It is normal for male to be useless in this kind of stuff, after all!"

As I look at her in that moment, I realized that the emotion she wore right now is not sympathy.

It is pity.

Yuigahama, a horribly clumsy klutz who (probably) cannot even whip up a decent batch of cookie pities me because she think I am an even worse cook than her.

…

This make me a little bit peachy.

Or should I say, bitchy?

Good job, me, your pun is still shitty! Yay!

Anyhow, let's blow their mind out.

* * *

…As Yukinoshita opened the refrigerator with confidence, taking out a bunch of eggs and a carton of milk, I silently ponder on what to make.

Macaron? Too risky.

Quatre-quarts? Too damn bland.

Choux à la crème? Need fridge.

…Wait, we do have fridge. Egg, milk, flour, butter, sugar? All set. Flavorings? Yup, vanilla powder may not be as fancy as vanilla extract, but they get the job done. See, this mightttt be doable, if I time it right. Or something. I mean, let's prepare the crème patisserie first.

"...Your apron is tangled, Yuigahama-san. Do you honestly not know how to wear one?" Talk? Not about me. Ignore. Wait, apron? No need. Eggs? Do need. About 3 eggs, maybe? Sugar? Is three big tablespoons enough? Beat eggs yolks with sugar until foamy. Pour milk into pot, medium heat, 3 minutes, because unlike Gabe Newell, I can count to 3.

…On second thought, please just make Half Life 3 already.

"…-please put it on properly, or you will end up like him-someone who have long passed the point of no return." Return? What return? Mix is clumping. Shit, should return beating. Beat until it's white. Whitey whitey white. Floor? Floor Jansen? Nightwish? No, corn flour. Stir 2 tablespoons into the egg mix, beat well.

"-shita-san, is Hikigaya doing something-" Milk? Is milk heated? Is it?

"…-own sake, just ignore that man for the mean time and focus on beating the mix properly- No, clockwise, not counterclockwi-… " Milk is heated. Pour eggs yolks into to milk and stirs gradually. Put back into pot. Small heat, stirs until thicken.

"…-gahama-san, there are eggshells in your mix, the butter is still hard, and your 'secret' flavouring is clumping up. Please rectifies these problem properly before you pu-" Problem? Rectify? Recheck own. Stick to wooden spoon, no clump, tastes good, smells nice, transfer to pastry bag and store in fridge. Now, on to making patê à cho- Wait, what's that smell?

As I break out my train of thought, turn around and follow the trail of the strange coffe-y smell, I find myself arrive at the oven, standing just right to a trembling, paled-face Yukinoshita who is sweating quite profusely.

"I-I just don't understand…How it is even humanely possible for her to make mistake after mistake…"

"Yukinoshita, Yukinoshita, you are assuming there is a hard-limit to human's stupidity." I shrugged.

"I-I guess we do learn something new every day…"

"Indeed."

"Anyway!" Yuigahama took the…abominations and arranged it on a plate. "It might look like...this, but…we won't know unless we've tried!"

"Y-You are right—We even have someone here to do the taste testing."

"…I refuse. This isn't fit for human's consumption."

"H-How harsh!"

"On second thought, this isn't fit for animal consumption either. Please don't feed this to your dog, he will die, and not only because of the taste."

"W-What are you saying, you jerk!" Yuigahama cried at me, her voice gradually getting lower and lower. "M-maybe it isn't as bad as it seem? Like, don't judge a book by its cover and such…?" She mumbled these last words as she directs a puppy-like gaze toward a silent Yukinoshita as if finding ally.

Gradually, Yukinoshita's icy, thorny exterior melts under Yuigahama's carebear stare, and as she turns toward me with a troubled expression, I know just the thing to say to defuse the situation.

"If I die, I will curse you to never ever be able to touch a cat forevermore."

"H-how absurd, Hikigaya-kun. Curses aren't real." Then why are you trembling like leaf in the wind, then? "B-beside, we haven't used any inedible indigents, so it should be fine. And—" Yukinoshita takes a big gulp before whispering, "I will also be eating it, too."

"Now, now, Yukinoshita-san, you shouldn't to force yourself over it. If we both die from food poisoning then who will help Yuigahama make cookie?! Please, think for the future! Think for the children! Think for the cat! The cat, Yukinoshita!"

"…What do cats have anything to do with this?! Also, did you say something about my dog? How did you know about Sabre?..." I swiftly ignore Yuigahama's confused mumbling as I focus my stare on the trembling figure of a certain lover of cat and cute things (and Pan-san).

"I…I… " Yukinoshita stumbles over her words as she awkwardly switch gaze between me, Yuigahama and the charcoal colored iron ore.

"This…this is my responsibility, too. I am the one who accepted her request, after all. Besides, if we don't establish what is wrong with it, we won't be able to deal with the situation properly, and that will be unacceptable." Yukinoshita's voice quivers at the end as her hand move over to the blackened abomination.

"Just for clarification, Hikigaya-kun: we won't die, right?" Her eyes seem a little teary.

"Honestly, I don't know." I shrugged and pulled the dish to my side, grabbing a piece of the so-called cookie. "But I suggest we have a bucket ready." I pause and look at the determined if somewhat teary face of Yukinoshita and the curious yet uncertain face of Yuigahama who seems like she want to join in this mass suicide event.

"…And a big one, just in case."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: **10/10 Class I radioactive toxic waste, would recommend buying some for yourself just in case life gets too boring.**

...Luckily, we did not vomit after eating Yuigahama's so-called cookie.

"Hikigaya-kun, no matter how much tea I drank, my mouth still feels icky." Yukinoshita announced matter-of-factly, her face quite a few shades paler. "So nauseating."

…Unluckily, we did not vomit.

"Urgh…it is like, so bitter and gross…" Yuigahama said as she crunched on her piece of cookie with tears evident in her eyes. When she done, Yukinoshita immediately gave her a teacup.

"Here, it is better if you wash it down immediately" Yukinoshita says casually. "And try to avoid thinking about the aftertaste. These cookies are, after all, much like potent poison."

"Indeed. Now, can I have some more tea please?"

"Get it yourself, Hikilazy-kun."

"Again with the double standard? Outrageous, I say! I am mightily offended!"

"...Yuigahama-san is a lot more deserving of my attention than you, Hikigaya-kun. Even though she nearly succeeded in accidentally poisoning us, she is still a better person personality-wise compare to you. "

"Uuu..."Yuigahama whined, her eyes a little teary..."How awful..."

After we all drank our fill of tea to get rid of the foul taste, Yukinoshita opened her mouth and disrupted the relatively relaxed atmosphere. "Well then, let's think of a way to improve the result."

"Well." I took a big gulp of tea and stare of the left over cookies. "..How about we ban Yuigahama from stepping into a kitchen ever again?"

"W-what?!"

"Hikigaya-kun, that would be our last resort."

"Wait, you mean that was actually an option?!" Yuigahama quickly goes from shocked to disheartened, and as she apologetically smile at us with a crestfallen expression, she let out a deep sigh. "I guess I can't cook after all…Cooking is, like, a talent, right? A talent that I just don't have…"

Yukinoshita let out a long, suffering sigh in response. "I have thought of a solution."

"What?"

"Work harder."

"…Work smarter, you mean."

"Such a scummy, lazy person like you would never understand the value of hard work: it is an excellent solution, only if we do it the right way." …Wait, did she just agree with me in the end? "Yuigahama-san, you said you didn't have any talent in cooking, right?"

"H-Huh? Yeah…"

"Please get rid of that idea. Those who don't extort the least amount of effort are unqualified to envy neither the talented nor hard worker." She then glares at me. "Those who can't succeed are unable to do so because they cannot image the painstaking accumulation of hard work by those who do."

"…To put it simply, she want you to shut up about talent and and just do it." Resist the urge to pose. Resist the urge to yell. Resist the urge to pose and yell.

"Bu-..Ehehe, uh…people just…eh, don't really do this sort of things nowadays, isn't? I mean, this is totally not suited for me at all, see!" Yuigahama's panic expression was quickly replaced with a grin as she shyly explained her position. "I am just not born for cooking and all…"

"First, quit blaming on your own lack of talent because that will make our little queen bee here getting even more feisty and aggressive." I thumbed at a fuming Yukinoshita who was bombarding me with icy-cold glares. "Secondly, what do popularity has to do with baking cookie?"

"Ehhh, what are you saying Hikki? Baking cookie for people you like is like, so old school and such! My friend will laugh at me if they find out about this for sure!" …Did she just say 'like'?

Fuck.

As if noticed her faux-pass, Yuigahama's face then turn into a shade similar to that of a ripe tomato. "N-nevermind that! This kind of activity just does not suit me, not at all! Thank you guys a lot, but-"

"Yuigaha-"

"Hikigaya-kun, let me handle this." There was a sound of cup clicking as it was placed on the table, and as I follow the ringing sound, the sight of a regal-looking Yukinoshita sitting calmly as she radiate a certain aura most people would probably clarify as "evil as fuck."

"Please, Yuigahama-san." Yukinoshita starts her speech with a cheerful smile. "Stop trying to comforms to those around you, and stop blaming your lack of ability and clumsiness on fate, genetic or others inane, superficial reasoning: it is disgusting." The sheer conviction in her voice takes me quite a bit back. She sounds even more assured now than when she was debating against me for the sake of protecting her ideals the first time we meet.

…Well, not actually the first time, see, but for the sake of convention let us just assume that- I mean, detail, detail! Who the fuck cares? If everything goes right, then Yuigahama will goooo…

"...Yukinoshita-san is so cool…" Shit, too bright! Her carebears stare is too bright! If I take it upfront, I will definitely be melted into industrial sludge for real! OP skillz, plz nerf!

"Cool?" Yukinoshita's face is that of a puzzled kitten as she cutely tilts her head lopsided towards Yuigahama's eager face. "Huh?" She turns her gaze toward me. "Huh? Did she just-"

"-It is okay, Yukinoshita, it happens sometime, even to the best of us. Don't you worry about it."

"…What are you talking about?"

"Is this the first time you received a genuine praise or something, Yukinoshita-channn?" I snorted.

"…J-just what is this thing saying…Y-Yuigahama-san, could you explain yourself further?"

" Ehh…well, I think you are really cool, Yukinoshita-san, because you can truly say what you want and let it all out…I mean, I only ever tried to fit in and say what was expected of me, I lacked the courage to be myself and act on my own. This is the first time someone have really laid it all before my eyes to me…" She laughed shyly. "I am sorry; I will do it again properly." She smiles bashfully at Yukinoshita as she proclaims the last sentence. "Please give me another chance!"

"…" Unsurprisingly, Yukinoshita was at a loss of words. Most people, with their overgrown and overworked amygdale tend to react to threatening informations the same way they would react to being attacked by a predator: fight or flight. Either they go deep red in the face and get angry or they turn their tail between their legs and run back to their cave, plugging their ears out while singing 'la la la'. I mean, almost nobodies want you to be real with them, they just want you to put more effort into lying to them. Very few actually wanted an honest opinion for self-improvement.

Yet Yuigahama had actually listened.

No.

More than just listened, Yuigahama accepted the merits in Yukinoshita harsh words AND expressed honest desires to change herself for her own betterment. It is only natural for the one who always found herself surrounded by jealous phonies to be baffled by this unexpectedly rational behavior: As Yukinoshita turns her head sideways and brushed her finger through her hair nervously, I know that she had seriously racked her brain for something to say yet could not find anything.

Naturally, it is only considerate that I lend her a hand.

"…Yukinoshita, please make a batch of cookie: I think Yuigahama is a visual learner, so do it slow and explain each and every processes in plain words so Yuigahama can follow. And Yuigahama, please pay attentions to what she does this time and repeat after her, part-by-part, amount-by-amount. Is it clear?"

"Okay!" as Yuigahama exclaimed excitedly, Yukinoshita gave me a wordless nod. "I will do my best!"

"Yeah yeah, that's the spirit or something. Oh, and Yukinoshita, give me back my phone. Need it to search the recipe for pâte à choux."

"No."

"...Pretty please?"

"Flattery will get you nowhere, Hikigaya-kun." Oi, stop that highbrow sneering, woman! You are making me feeling self-conscious! More than usual, that is! "For your information though, there are 4 indigents in the standard recipe for cream puffs pastry: Butter, water, flour and..-"

"-Egg. Frenchies love their egg." Yukinoshita looked none too pleased as I interrupted her. "Say, what is the ratio? 2 parts water, 1 part butter, 1 part flour, 2 parts egg or something along that line?"

"…Yes, but-"

"Ok see ya, good luck on Yuigahama's case!" I cheerfully cut her out and went back to work, not at all mindful to the stare piercing my back.

…Of course that was a lie though. Someone, get that woman out of me please. Metaphysically, I mean. Is that the right word? I don't know. Can't check the dictionaries now that Yukinoshita is still holding onto my phone. Oh my precious phone. On second thought, I am gonna to root the shit outta the motherfucker the first chance I get. Crappy stock OS is crappy.

...Wait, what was I going to do?Ah-ha, silly me, baking, of course! Imma gonna show them my absolutely mad lad powah through the art of cooking dough by dry heat into edible mess! And it will be great! As long as I don't mess it up! I mean, it is pretty hard to fuck up quatre-quart, righte? Just 4 indigents, eggs, butter, water and flour!

..Okay, there is a little nagging feeling in my gut that there is something wrong, but eh, that is the same gut that told me that girl over there somehow has some feelings for me, that every little interactions people had with me are filled with the subtlest of emotions and the most complex of intentions.

Therefore, it is okay to ditch him in a hole.

…I am totally gonna to regret this later, aren't I?!

* * *

"Mhmmm, ain't that smell great!"

"Which one are you talking about, Hikigaya-kun? The pound cake that you suddenly decided to make or Yuigahama-san's cookie?"

"Both. I mean, you don't exactly have to rub it in my face, y'know. I know how big an idiot I was."

"A dismissive, forgetful idiot to be precise. Are you going to go senile? Should you start wearing adult diaper?" Oi, don't talk about these things with that kind of angelic smile! More than one percent of my body is composed of salt already, anymore and I will probably die of high blood pressure! Or a heart attack! Caused by high blood pressure! Definitely high blood pressure!

"H-hikki, could you…try my cookies?" As I was standing there, stunned by Yukinoshita's expected vicious attack, Yuigahama has to come and turn my mind into rubbles with her senseless attack on the innocent maiden heart of a certain fish-eyed asshole: seriously, teenagers are hormonal. And horny. Never wished to experience this phase again, but here I am, so here I go.

"Oi, Yukinoshita, have some too."

"…Hikigaya-kun, I almost hand-holded Yuigahama-san through the entire process this time. It should be fine. In any case, I wish you luck, Hikigaya-kun." She said solemnly and turn away. Fuck, it is all up to me now...

"Hey! I tried really, really hard this time, you know! I even used the cookie cutter! Look, take this one!" As she said it, Yuigahama hands me a cookie in the shape of a dachshund with the tail-piece broke off. "Here you go, now just eat it!"

"O-okay. Here goes nothing I guess…" I chomp down hard on the cookie on my hand, expecting the worst…

...And luckily found it to be…well, somewhat adequate.

I mean, it was a little burnt, a little dry and crumbly, but I am not dead yet, my stomatch isn't churning inside out and I can still feel my tongue so I guess it is fine!

"…Mhm, not bad. Much better than your first time, to be honest." I said as I pick up a malformed star-shaped piece of cookie. "A little too sweet, though."

"Y-you don't like it?" Oi, don't sound so disheartened, really… "I was sure you would like it, though…"

"Indeed, how curious…I have seen that thing chuckling down cans and cans of coffee-flavored sweetened condensed milk without complaining one word about the cloyingly sweetness of that drink. But I digress, though: one can't use human's standard on that thing."

"Jeez, thanks for the encouraging and allllll too kind words." I lethargically spat out these words as I opened the electrical oven to take out the pound cake I accidentally made. "I just said that it was a little too sweet, no need to get your head in a rut over it-"

"-Hikki, mitten!"

"...Hm? Ahhh shit you just saved my butt there. My hands, I mean. That was an idiom, you know, and uh…thanks." Fuck, that comes out super awkward. "Mitten, mitten, oven glove…where the heck did I put mine to begin with…"

"Uhmm…Hikki…" Someone tugging on my arm sleeve?

"What?" The little doggo-I mean, Yuigahama-jumped back and did a really, really damn cute 'eep!' as I was turning toward her and dropped…something…outrageously pink.

"Pink mittens?" I exclaimed a little too loud as I crouch down to pick them up. "Pink mittens shaped like dog paws?"

"I-if you don't mind, you can use mine…" ...Stop fidgeting please, that remind me too much of a certain single and desperate woman who has wasted my money and empathy on cans and cans of cheap beers as she took an early leave, claiming that she would "drown her sorrow in instant ramens, unfunny tv programs and cheap beers" as she shut the door to her sport car while sniffling loudly...

…And drinking cheap beers.

I know, I know drunk driving is bad, a-okay? I just don't want to break her heart further, seeing how my attempt at sympathizing…uhm, backfired rather spectacularly.

Anyway, I think I have frozen in space a little too long, Yuigahama is actually looking quite unnerved there, so…better reply to her quick. "O…kay? Thanks. I will make sure you have the largest piece of cake."

"E-hehe…" This time I swiftly ignore her warm smile as I opt to cleanse my mind with the buttery smelling of my pound cake. Or quatre-quart. I mean, sure, I know I am a pretentious narcissistic little shit, but I can't help but feel really proud of myself this time. Good job, me! You have create a fine piece of cake! If only you could actually remember what you ought to create this time, you would be perfect!

Still, since there isn't much time left, I am not gonna to get all fancy and shit and try to make a layer cake out of this since trimming a warm cake is an excerise in futielity itself. Instead, I will just serve themwith a dash of the cooled pastry cream I have prepared beforehand.

As I wait for the cake to cool down, I sneak my hand over Yukinoshita's cookie plate and pop a few into my mouth. Damn, it is all perfect and shit. I mean, she actually shaped them like cat heads, with whiskers and everything! If I was anything other than a heartless bastard, I wouldn't be able to eat them at all without feeling a single ounce of guilit! Thanks, me, for being full of shit as always!

"…Compare to Yukinoshita's cookies, mine are pretty terrible, huh…." Yuigahama absentmindly muttered as she chomps on and on, devouring one perfectly uniformed cat head-shaped cookie after another. "Even though I did exactly as hers, mine are still hopeless…"

"Nah, don't be so saddddd. See, no matter how shitty they are, homemade cookies are still homemade cookies: boys will be boys and get all mad and shit over these, you know? I mean, the dude who get your cookies probably will go 'oh my, she tried so hard for my sake! She must have some feeling for me or something!' and get all jiffy and twichy with delusions! Then, when he gets allll his courage together and confess, you will then turn him down so hard and so fast his friend didn't even get the chance to laugh at him since he would quit school right after that and be a shut in for life and holed up at home watching shitty anime while fapping furiously to my little pony or something!"

"Huh? What are you saying, Hikki…" Her look is spot on! I mean, this is the kind of condescending expression that basically say, 'What the hell is this virgin going about?' that break the innocent maiden hearts of countless virginal mad lads, forever turning them to the dark side and force them to become incel-for-life! Oh, the humanity! Lo and behold as they all turn into huge manatees, woo!

"...Just ignore that thing's rambling, Yuigahama-san. But still, it is true that it is the thought that count: If you give off the impression that you tried your best, surely you will touch a man's heart."

"Oh my, Yukinoshita-channnnn is turning sly~…How many innocent hearts have you broke already, huh?"

"32 and still counting. 27 males, 4 females…and one cat." …Cat?

"…Okay…?" Yuigahama and I both replied as we stare dumbfoundly to the trembling figure of a certain Yukinoshita who looks like she is gonna cry.

"...If you don't mind me asking, how the fuck did that stuff with the cat happen anyway…?"

"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents and I was-"

"Anyway!" Yuigahama clapped loudly and turns toward me and a rather displeased Yukinoshita. "Thank you for your hardwork, everyone! I learned a lot of new things today! See you tomorr-"

"Oi."

"W-what, Hikki?" Yuigahama hestitantly replied, perplexed by my sudden intervention.

"You forgot one crucial thing, Yuigahama-san."

"W-which is?" Even Yukinoshita turned to look at me in surprise. Indeed, they all have forgotten one crucial thing…

"My pound cake, of course! How the heck am I gonna to finish that thing by myself?! Stay here and help me finish it! I mean, if worst come to shove, I will just pack some as leftover, but that is like, eh…last resort, y'know? So stay!"

"O-okay?" Oi oi oi, Yukinoshita-sannn, this is serious business! Stop looking so exasperated! You will pop a vein and spray blood all over me or something at this rate!

"…Oh, and after that, help us clean all this stuff too! You made the biggest mess of us all!"

"You don't have to say that though, you meanie!"


	6. Chapter 6

Hey. It is me, M-Mario!- I mean, Minh.

Thanks for reading this far into this shitfic, people. I mean, I totally didn't expect people to like this shitfic. At all. This is very suprising to me. Oh well, life is full of surpise, I suppose. So yeah, thanks. You guys have given me the motivations I sorely needed to get my lazy ass off and do something productive with my free time and whatsnot.

Oh, and if you can, please give me more constructive reviews so I can improve as a writer and therefore, make this shitfic better and more enjoyable.

Still, while I would love to write more for you guys and update faster, I can't. Job is job, moni is moni, and man gotta eat as always. Oh, and study. And shit. But...eh, that is beside the point. I mean, shit, I don't even know what to say to end this, so...I hope you guys will enjoy this chapter?

 **Chapter 6: And so, as expected, Yuigahama slowly wiggled her way into this isolation ward. Oh, and it's good to know that I still hate studying. Yay.**

* * *

…Do you believe in fate? As in, the kind of shit among the line of 'your life is predetermined, and nothing you do will matter! Life is pointless! You are all going to die! The universe is cold, uncaring, and it couldn't give less a shit about you! Woe is humanity, who are born with no purpose, live for no reason, and die for nothing!"

…Wait, that isn't about fate. That is nihilism. Straw-nihilism, to be fair, but nihilism. Kind of strange, really. I mean, an event like what have happened to me would probably be quite mind-blowing to some people. Suddenly become someone else, taking another life as yours like some weird ass extradimensional ghost parasite-Wait, should I clarify myself as a parasite? Well, I basically snatched the body and mind of a pessimistic Japanese dude, and I don't know what happened to his original…uh…'soul' or 'consciousness' or whatever you want to call it. Maybe he took my place. Maybe not. To be truthful, there are many answers I have thought of, and none of them I'd like to touch with a 2 meters long pogo stick. Well, it isn't a good idea to go and poke stuff with a pogo stick in general anyway, but I digress. And stuff. I mean, why am I still here? Just to suffer? Every night, I can feel my legs. And my arms. Even my fingers…the body I have lost, the comrade I have lost…won't stop hurting. It is like they are all still there… in my mind…like a phantom pain. Get it? Phantom pain?

Hah…a reference made too soon, I suppose: Phantom pain would be released exactly one year from now, on September 1, 2015. Congratulation, me! You didn't just traveled to another dimension, no no no, you also went back in time, yay! If only you could have any control, any saying at all! If only you didn't get played like a damn fiddle! IF ONLY YOU DIDN'T-

No. Calm down. Slow, deep breath.

It is all bullshit anyway. Everything is pointless, yet some stuffs are more pointless than others. Let them go. Worry about what you can control. What you can influence. What you can-

"…-Like, seriously, double scoops at Baskin Robbins are on sale today! I want a chocolate-cocoa double scoop!"

…And talk about pointless thing, that was seriously high up on my list of - wait, chocolate-cocoa? Double scoop? My spider sense is tingling! I mean, I definitely didn't wait all these weeks sitting around in this boring classroom just to check out this event, nooo, I just like sitting right here, by myself, in my designated spot, listening to music and chilling out like nobody's business! I also definitely didn't give Yuigahama any pep-talks on how to be her own person and all kind of self-help guru level bullshits, nooo, I just went bother her after Yukinoshita got fed up with my bullshit!

…On second thought, the look Yukinoshita gave me when I suggest Yuigahama to write an official application letter is priceless. Even though she declined out of concern for her friends, I know that one way or another, Yuigahama would wind up there. One could say that these two girls were bound together by the red strings of fate…

…Or Lily's stems, but they are the same anyway, eh.

"…-Uhm, Y-Yumiko, you guys, I-I am going to eat with Yukinon today, so I will see you guys after lunch, okay?" Huh? Oh wait, the talk! The flag triggering event! How could I forget? It seems like Yuigahama has gotten off on a good start!

"Huh? Yukinon? You mean that Yukinoshita girl?" …or not. Miura's face look pretty peachy. As in, bitchy.

"Uhm…yeah, I mean, I think I should go now, she is probably waiting for me or something…ahaha…"

"How did you met her anyway?" Opps. Hang in there!

"Ah…uhm…" Ah, nail tapping. A seriously annoying tactics used by seriously annoying girls (And boys) when things didn't go the way they want. Annoying.

"Hah…. If you want to say something, then just go ahead and spill it out already. I mean, we are friends, right? Friends shouldn't hide things from each others, right? That is seriously not good, isn't?" Sheez, queen bee isn't amused: 'no true friend would do that' spiel, huh. Hang in there for real, pink doggo!

"A-At the s-servic…" DO IT! JUST- DO IT!

"…The what?! I can't hear you at all you know? Can you speak up?" Yuigahama has already lost it. As she casted her face downward and gripped the hem of her skirt tighly, I know that she has buckled down hard. As in, 'plugged one's ears while singing 'la la la la la I can't hear ya' hard. She is in her own world now, her own safe little haven.

Just like theirs.

…Oh well, if she wouldn't speak up for herself, then I will...

" She means the Service Club. " …speak up for myself.

"Hah? And what do this Service-something-club have to do with that Yukinoshita girl?" what is with that 'huh, who the heck are you? Get outta my way!' looks? I am just merely informing you something at this point now, aren't I!

"Yukinoshita is the Service club leader." I spoke with an even tone as I found myself being the center of everyone 's attention. "Yuigahama san made a request to our club, and we are helping her. That's all."

"We, as in...?"

"Me and Yukinoshita."

"Huh…so what did she request anyway?" I can see Yuigahama visibly trembled as Miura matter-of-factly voiced her question as an order. "Tell me."

"I am afraid I can't."

" …Hah?" Glares? Cold glare, death glare, eyes-covered-by-hair-glare…what is the exact nature of the relationship between me and Glare-chan? Complicated?

"Every requests and informations our client have told us are strictly confidential by nature. If you want to know about them, ask her yourself. Nicely."

"And I just did!" Miura slammed her hand hard on the table as she switch look to Yuigahama, who is looking more and more like a wet dog with every passing second.

"I-I am sorry…" Yuigahama timidly apologized, still looking at the floor. Is there anything interesting on the floor? Ants? Ants are very interesing. They ar-No, focus.

"No no no, that's not what I want to hear. There's something you want to say to me other than that, isn't there?" …Oh well, here we go again. I am tired of this shit. I am tired of this façade. I am tired of beating around the bushes getting to nowhere.

Let's just have fun.

"Oi, what are you doing, Miura-san?" Yuigahama suddenly found my face to be more interesting than the ants below as she abruptly turned to look at me, her face a shade paler than how it already was. Mhm?

"…Can you see? I am asking her." Miura sent me a 'what are you still doing here' glance as she started tapping the table again. Annoying.

"That was asking and not you shitting all over Yuigahama? Wow. Your definition of ask need works."

"H-Huh? What the hell is wrong with you? Gross!" The queen's flame flare up, its blazing heat more than enough to turn the soul of the unprepareds to cinder as it engross, consume and dismiss wholly their wrecked mortal shell, leaving them merely a stuttering mess in the wake.

Luckily, I am already enkindled.

...I miss Dark Souls 3. I mean, more like Dank souls to me, bu-Wait, focus.

"...There is a lot of things that are wrong with me, sure, but that isn't the point. Right now, I am talking to you. I am talking about you. You, and your treatment of whom you called 'friend'." Miura looks slightly stunned. Probably because no one has called her out of her shit before. Good. First time always hurt the most; therefore, most memorable. "…-Say, is 'friend' not a roundabout way of saying 'indentured servant' when it come to you? I mean, I am not seeing you treating your so-called friends any better than the way I treat my cat back home, and as least in my cats case I do provide him with more than ample amount of food and shelter!"

"Wha-? J-Just what are you saying?"

"To put it simply, I am saying that you suck at being a friend." I am sorry, Hahhh-chan, I am already in a relationship with Glare-chan: I can't betray her expectation of me, sorry!

"Me, suck at being a friend? …Hah, what do a creepy loner with no friend like you know about friendship anyway? Just shut up already!" Oh my. Oh my my my.

"…And what do you know about Hayama Hayate, then?" Silence. Not even a breath could be heard as I utter off these innocent words. Not even my own.

...Wait, why the heck I am holding my breath anyway?!

"I-I know a lot about Hayama-kun!" Miura shouted indignantly, her voice gave out a sharp yet dull ring that isn't unlike that of old, rusty bell. "Like…L-like.."

"Oh, like what, mate? His name? His current occupation? His 1000 waltz prince-charming laugh that melt the hearts of all young girls?" Try not to smile. Try not to smile openly and cruelly.

"No, I…I-" Miura flutters and stutters as she looks back and fro between me and her clichés.

"Do you even know anything at all, Miura-sannn? Anything at all about your so precious friends other than what they deemed safe enough to tell you, the persona they deemed good enough to show you?" I sneered. "Just take a goood look around you: Can you see that you have surrounded yourself with nothing of substance , nothing but smoke and mirror?" Before she could response, I flashed her a pleasant grin, one seem to has choked her words and forced them back down her throat. "Hmhm? Miura-san, there's something you want to say to me, isn't there? If you want to say something, then just go ahead, y'knoww?"

"Hikitan-No, Hikigaya-kun, that's enough. You are making Miura uncomfortable." Hayama stood up and glare at me as he put himself between me and Miura.

"Enough? Enough of what, mate? Enough of sitting around touting that dumb smile and hoping that if you ignore a problem long enough, it will go away on its own?" Hayama visibly reign in his anger in response to my words: the easy smile he so frequently wore now is no more than a grimace, a shadow of its former self.

"Y-you…"

"Me wut? Me full of shit and knowing it, unlike you?"

"…You are not worth my time. Miura, we should go somewhere el-" Good response, good choice.

"Not worth your time, huh? Just like how Yukinoshita was to you, huhhh?" Oi, if your neck was going any faster it would probably dislodge or something.

"This has nothing to do with her." Hayama gritted out his words like it hurts his very core doing so. "You don't know me."

"I don't plan to." I burped loudly for good measure as I watch Hayama walk away with Miura and his cliches tottering after him like a bunch of lost ducklings as they send hateful glares toward me. " You are not worth my time either."

"…Glad we thought the same." And with those heart-warming partings words, prince-charming slammed the classroom door behind his back and walk away, with his followers close in tow.

Or…well, that is what I think he does. I mean, he slammed the door close, not open. I can't see past it.

But eh, first thing first…

"…Oi, why are you still standing there?" …I should finish the job.

"H-Hah?! H-Hikki, you are talking to-"

"-You, of course. I mean, you are their friends, right?"

"A-ah…haha, I'm sor-"

"-Don't say sorry." I cut her out and continue on. "To me, to them, or to anyone undeserve of it."

"I…"

"-No no no, shut it. I am not gonna to hear your explanation so don't bother. I mean, go say that to someone who actually care." I look into her eyes. "…Like your friends, for example."

"Oh. Um, I…see…." Yuigahama said dejectedly to my back just as I began to walk for the door. "A-haha…I think I can handle it myself this time, so…"

"…You think I am going to follow you or something? Too bad, I just am gonna go take a shit. Ate too much."

"Gross! Hikki is seriously gross! Like, seriously, truly gross!" Oi, my back isn't for hitting, y'know!

"Yeah yeah yeah, thank you kindly captain obivious, you have save the day yet again." I said loudly as I slide the door open...

"Why?" …And found myself face-to-face with yet another queen. An ice queen this time, to be exact.

"Why not?" Good thing I like to play with ice as much as I like to play with fire. Ice? Fire? 5 elementals?

"Umm…Yukinon, I-" …Elementals queen sentai? Disney princess hentai? Let it g- No. Stahp. Let it die.

"…-I understand, so you needn't say anything." Yukinoshita said as she gave Yuigahama a smile devoid of sarcasm and mockery. "Do as you wish."

"Y-Yukinon…" Ah yes, the sweet fraganance of Lily…no matter how I look at it, it isn't my fault Lily can bloom out of season!

"…I know this is heartwarming and all, but can you hurry up? I mean, lunch break is gonna to be over soon, and I still need to take a shit."

"W-what, you jerk! Dummy! Idiot! Meanie!" Ow. Ow. Ow. Owww.

" …I know you are frustated, but can you try to show some restraint and stop punching my spleen for emphasis?"

"Hmph, it's a bit too late for me to show restraint. And whose fault do you think that is? Idiot." Yuigahama stuck out her tongue as if she was trying to provoke me and ran off. Was she an elementary schooler or something?

"…-I don't understand your nature, Hikigaya-kun." Yukinoshita shakes her head as she looks past me toward the dwindling figure of a certain pink-haired girl . "You refused to change yourself for the better, yet you still believe you have the authority, the right to tell people how they should live their life. How oxymoronic of you."

"Oi, first thing first: these things aren't mutually exclusive, y'know. Secondly: I never said anything about refusing to change, don't put words in my mouth. And thirdly…" I take a deep breath as I then put on my best cutesy sing-song impression. "Hello pot, my name is kettle, how are you today?!"

"…Unlike you, I am putting proper effort into changing myself for the better." Yukinoshita snickered at my antics as she tries to loom over me. Cute. "Can those dead fish eyes of you ever capable of changing?"

"Maybe? Maybe not. Who know? I don't know, and I don't care. Not everything in life need to have a reason, y'know. Or an answer. I mean, it would be nice to know it, true, but it isn't necessary. Not at all." Not at all.

"…As expected, I still can't make sense of your rambling; was mere sophistry all you have ?"

"… Are you seriously expecting me to able to get all philosophical and shit with you while I have THISS much shits welling up my ass waiting to pop out, woman?"

"…Gross."

"Yeah yeah, whatever you say. Beside, we have blocked this doorway long enough: anymore and my back would burst into flame or something."

"…I…see…." Yukinoshita eyed me strangely for a moment before turning her face away.

"Something on your mind? If you want to say something then just go ahead, you knowww?"

"…I am just merely stupefied to know that even illiterature, shameless brute like you posses the capability to feel uncomfortable." Yukinoshita gigled in mockery. "We all learn something new everyday, yes?"

"Indeed, and I would take that as a compliment, as always. Seriously though, thanks."

"…Why are you thanking me? I did nothing."

"That was precisely why I thanked you though."

"!"


	7. Chapter 7a

Keep you waiting, huh?

A year had nearly passed since I put the first chapter of this fic to Fanfiction.

Now, here I am again, trying to finish what I had cooked up.

Or, at the very least, have some fun on the expense of myself. This is still an self-insert fic, after all.

With all that said, I hope this little snippet can satisfy you.

 **Chap 7.1: To sum up, Zaimokuza Yukisteru is a bit off the chart, for he is the real mad lard-This pun is terrible. My disappointment is immeasurable, and my day is ruined.**

In 1985, the physiologist Benjamin Libet conducted a series of experiments that involved taking EEG readings of subjects' brains engaged in a task that required them to press a button at random intervals whenever they felt like it during the session. Results: several seconds before the "decision" was consciously made by the subject, the brain's motor cortex was activated.

The neuroscientist John-Dylan Haynes employed fMRI brain scans in a 2011 study in which subjects inside the scanner were instructed to press one of two buttons whenever they wanted while observing a series of random letters. The subjects were told to verbally report which letter was on the screen when they "decided" to press the button. Results: the time between brain activation and conscious awareness of a "choice" was several seconds, and in some cases a full seven seconds.

In these studies, and others, scientists measuring subjects' brains know which decision they would make before the subjects themselves know it. What they imply is that we are not free to choose in the way we think we are. We _feel_ free, but that's just what our conscious self believes because it doesn't know about the inputs feeding into it from below that have already made the choice.

Like tiny worms wriggling against the current of a deterministic universe, we swim along, alone, and ultimately, adrift, like pieces of sea-worn driftwoods, toward the known-unknown.

Yet, the existence-and acknowledgement- of a deterministic universe doesn't invalidate free will. In fact, it compliments free will. As least, the kind of free will that most of us referred to as _the power to do otherwise._

For in doing otherwise, even in the tiniest of thing, we could potentially…

Change nothing at all.

"…So, you guys being paparazzi now?" And with these mumbo-jumbo musing bullshit in mind, I wasn't at all surprised to see Yukinoshita and Yuigahama both standing in front of the clubroom's door trying to peek inside. Well, I was expecting this to happen, after all.

"Eek!"x2

…Totally expected. Yep. Truly. Still bloody hilarious, though.

"Wh-…Oh, it is just Hikidirty-kun." Yukinoshita glared, as if daring me to say anything about her-and Yuigahama's- startled state.

…Naturally, I couldn't resist.

"Just me, you said." I chortled. "Damn, I'm honored. Dear little old me scaring the shit outta people, who could have thought? I sure the heck didn't!"

"…Could you not suddenly call out to us like that?" Yukinoshita displeased scowl reminds me of the way my cat looks at me every time he sees me coming. Well, for good reason, though-I did taped a cucumber to his tail and all, but who knew his reaction would be so severe? Cats and magnets, truly the mystery of life. How do they work?!

"Yukinon, Yukinon, Hikki looks like he is thinking stupid things again!" True.

"Yuigahama-san, stop bringing more trouble to us and just leave that thing be." Ouch.

"Okay, okay, no more horsing around, got it." I made a double peace sign and flashes them my most ahegao-worthy smile. "You guys happy with this as an apology?"

"Gross." X2

"Heh, thought so." I snickered. "Now, what's the problem here?"

"There is a suspicious person in the clubroom." Yuigahama replied to me as she peeked in the ajar doorway

"…More suspicious than you two? Should I be scared now?"

"…Hikigaya-kun." Oopsie.

"Jezz, chill down, woman! On second thought, don't do that- you are already cold enough as it is." I turned toward the fuming Yukinoshita. "And I know what you are thinking, Yukinoshita, so you don't need to voice it out. I mean, you could, but that would be pretty redundant, don't you agree?"

"Hmphm." Yukinoshita harrumphed behind me as I slide the door open and enter the room.

The first thing I noticed is the salty smell of the sea breeze.

Then, the whirling papers.

Then, the dramatic way the person in the middle of the room positioned himself, with his back facing the sunset, his hands folded and his coat blowing freely to the warm wind of spring.

"Ku ku ku, to think we would meet at a place like this…What a surprise. I've been waiting for you, Hikigaya Hachiman."

"Likewise, Zaimokuza Yukisteru."

"Huh? I mean, o-of course you do! We were-"

"-Old partners, comrades-in-arms, brothers through thick and thin, are we not?"

"H-Hachiman…"

"Yukinon, look, Hikki is acting stupid again!" …Shush it, you-pink-little-thingy-who-somehow-got-really-insightful-when-I'm-not-looking!

"Indeed, birds of a feather flock together, don't they?" I knew without a doubt that Yukinoshita is smirking her heart out.

"…You know that you did say that we "more or less, share some similar qualities", right?" …And I knew without a doubt that her smirk had just turned into a frown.

But then, before Yukinoshita could say anything else, a massive shadow loomed over me.

Before me is Zaimokuza Yukisteru. Secondary, comic-relief character of a light novel usually shortened as SNAFU.

And right now, Imma feeling it. The SNAFU.

Zaimokuza moves toward me like a zombie, his face stained with tears, snort and sweat. I can literally feel the heatwave radiating off of him.

And then, as I feared, he broke into a sprint.

"BROOOOOOOOOOOO-" Like a fat, smelly, oversized rocket, he flew toward me.

So, naturally, I moved outside and closed the door to his face.


	8. Chapter 7b

Hello, Minh here, again with another snippet. I have updated the cover image with a smug picture of Hikigaya. Which probably fit this fic perfectly. Yay.

Anyway, hope you enjoy the chapter!

* * *

"Fu fu fu, to think that you can even use door as a viable weapon…I expected nothing less from the Hachiman Great Bodhisattava!"

"Thank you. Now, if you could stop moving your head around and let me treat your wound, that would be-"

"-Hah! Treating each other's wounds, just like old tim-Ow! Owwww! Why must you be so rough, Hachiman?!"

"Pain is weakness leaving the body." I put more rubbing alcohol onto the swab and press it against the open wound on his head. "If this little amount of physical discomfort is enough to discourage you, then how can you hope to actualize your…wish, then?" Hikigaya used "Forebonding words"!

"My…wish?" It is super effective! Zaimokuza is confused!

"Indeed, Zaimokuza, your wish." I quickly put the band aid onto his wound, pack up the medical kits and return it to its spot on the wall. "You come here for a reason, have you not?"

"A-as expected of the greatest servant of I, the master fencer general Zaimokuza Yoshiteru! To think that after so many hundreds of years you would once again return to my service…This must be destiny!" Zaimokuza beamed aloud, uncaring of the dirty looks he is getting from the girls.

"This person can still spout this much nonsense after hitting his head hard enough to dent the door…should I be impressed?" Yuigahama asked with a sign of resignation.

"No, you should be impressed with the one handling him." Yukinoshita glances at me with a faint smile. "Have you ever thought of being a cult leader, Hikishady-kun? You have all the qualities needed of one."

"Implying this isn't already a cult." I snorted as I handle the spare chair to Zaimokuza before returning to my usual spot.

"So…how did you know him, Hikki?" Yuigahama asked me, her eyes filled with earnest curiosity.

"We paired up in gym class." Therefore, I must answer truthfully.

"Huh?! Just like that?" …No need to be so shocked, you two. And please don't snort into your tea thinking that no one is looking, Yukinoshita. You will be disappointed, and I will have new materials to tease you with. Win-win situation, as far as I know.

"Yah."

"Hmph. To speak so easily of the customs so evil that it rivals hell…Pair up with whomever you like, they say? Ku ku ku, as if I desire friendship wi-"

"What do you want, Zaimokuza-kun?" As expected, the ice queen takes no shit from no one.

"Eek!" …And as expected, Zaimokuza is scared shitless.

"Take it easy, Yukinoshita." I chuckled. "Zaimokuza here is what we called a chuunibyou."

"Choo-nee-byou?" x2

"Chuunibyou, indeed. Slang term for people who yearned for strange power and abilities they saw in manga, anime and game, and behaved as if they had those abilities."

"So…What do having strange powers and abilities have to do with calling himself master fencer general and all that stuff" Yuigahama voiced her question at me.

"Naturally, if they are to have these weird abilities, it is only logical for them to also have a backstory fitting with the powers they have, is it not?"

"So…isn't it just make-believe?" I can see Zaimokuza trembling.

"You could say it like that, yeah." He is heaving now.

"But…why? Why would they do that?" His hands are on his heart.

"Because it looks cool." He shook back as if his heart was pierced by thousands needles!

"Oh." Critical damage! Zaimokuza has been defeated! You gained "absolutely nothing of worth"!

"So, if I heard you right, then that… _thing_ over there" She pointed at Zaimokuza and makes him reeled back. Again. "has a very bad case of chuunibyou, correct?"

"Nah, not really. As least he's basing his character on real history."

"…You are saying there are ones worse than that?"

"Yes, indeed. Me for example." All eyes on meee~

"…You?" No need to point at me like that, that's rude.

"Me." See, I can point at myself too!

"So, just for my personal reference…what make you think that you are a chuunibyou?"

"Elementary, my dear Yukinon." I stand up and flourish my non-existent cape. "For I am an extradimensional ghost parasite who had accidentally stolen the life of the one you may know as Hikigaya Hachiman, mind, body, manners and all." I sauntered to the middle of room. "The assimilation process had finished. We are now one and the same. We are now Hikigaya Hachiman." I scratch my head. "And admittedly, we have no bloody idea what we are doing at all."

"Only the last part is true." Is that a snicker I heard from you, Yukinoshita-san?

"Woah, Hikki is like, so good at acting!" Yep. Truly.

"Hachiman, that backstory is too far-fetched, bro."

"...You are the last person I want to hear that from!"

"I know." Zaimokuza pushes up his glasses. "That is why I saved it for the last."

"!"


	9. Chapter 7c

Minh here, back with another chapter!

This time I try to write from another POV. Yukinoshita's pov, to be specific. I found it way harder than I thought it would be, and I still don't think I get the 'voice' right. Hachiman's 'voice' is easy since it was just literally me thinking like I always do, self insert and all that jazz, so...yeah. Plenty of rooms for improvement, that.

The Yukinoshita monologue part was supposed to be longer, but since most of it is irrelevant to the current plot, I deemed it safe to just cut it out and paste it somewhere else so it would fit with the narrative.

...Let's hope I still remember its existence by then.

 **Chap 7C: To sum it up, Hikigaya Hachiman is a fake.**

* * *

My first proper impressions of the boy named Hikigaya Hachiman were terrible.

His dim, misty dead-fish's eyes staring emptily into space, his hunched posture, his messy hair and even messier clothes…Like a fish out of water for too long, Hikigaya reeked of bewilderment and confusion. He looked like he couldn't believe what was happening. He looked like he had never thought of meeting someone like me, even in his wildest dream.

Therefore, it was only natural for me to assumed that he was an idiotic airhead.

Which is true.

Yet not true enough.

Hikigaya Hachiman is many things. An idiot, an airhead, an idiotic airhead…so on and so forth.

Yet, no matter how he tried to mask it, his replies and actions always seem calculated. Deliberate. Almost…bored. Like a lazy, untalented actor merely playing his part with the least effort possible, there is no soul behind his act. No real emotion, no real connection.

Nothing genuine at all.

If ogres are like onions because they have layers, then it is safe to assume that Hikigaya Hachiman is like an abyss, for underneath that exterior of ill-mannered baloney and juvenile sarcasm lies an empty, empty void, only partially illuminated by the lights that connect people.

And when you stare too long into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you.

"…Oh my, the horror! First I got dissed by Zaimokuza, and now Yukinoshita is staring at my butt!" ...And then proceeds to act like a dimwitted buffoon. "Wait, oh shit, I have been surrounded by raging sodomists! The room is ripe with the stenches of lube! Help me, Zaimo-emonnnnnnnn!" Ugh.

"Hahahaha, and now you wish for my assistance! Fear not, my loyal servant, I will-"

"-…You will what?" I asked pleasantly.

"Uhm, ehh…I will…-ahem, I…" Zaimokuza became quieter and quieter as he quivered under my gazes.

How pitiful.

"This façade has gone on long enough. I will tolerate this no longer." I turned to Hikigaya. "Return to your seat and be quiet."

"Psssh, see that? She is just salty because she didn't get a chance to show off her cool cats collection." Hmh.

"Please stop telling such obvious lies, Hikigaya-kun: I definitely wasn't, in anyway or form, 'salty' because I didn't get a chance to show off my cool cats collection." Hook.

"...So you do have a cool cat collection." Line.

"Before it was cool." Sinker.

"…Tell you what, cat is always cool." Indeed. "But I will getcha next time." Hikigaya said with an impish, toothy grin as he walked back to his seat, and in more ways than one, admitting his defeat.

"And how, pray tell?" Therefore, it is safe to humor him for a little bit more.

"By showing you MY cool cats collection, of course!" Oh? "Purring fluffy munchkin, joyful exotic shorthair playing hide-and-seek in a sink, meowing Scottish fold stuck in a box with his head poking out!" Oh.

"How about…mhm, Ragdoll?"

"Playing with shoestring while sitting on a keyboard!" Ohhhh. "Even better, I have footages of my own family cat-"

"Ahem!" Yuigahama coughed awkwardly. Oops. "…So, um, If I am correct, Zaimokuza-kun…" She trailed off. "-You are here because you want us to help you cure this...uhm, 'chuunibyou' sickness, right?!" 'Us'? Did she just count herself in?

"…" Yet, Zaimokuza remained silent in the face of Yuigahama's question. It looked like he was waiting for something.

As I followed his line of sight, I then saw a scene that I'd rather not see again.

"Hikigaya-kun, please stop scratching your butt in public."

"Gross! Hikki is gross! Super gross!" Despite saying that, Yuigahama sounds so…happy about it. I wonder why?

"But-" Hikigaya stands up, one hand still behind his back while the other is now holding the scattered pages that he had just picked up.

"No butt."

"Well, I mean, you aren't exactly wr-Wait, is that a-"

"It is, but that is beside the point." I let out a satisfying smile. "It seems like Zaimokuza-kun want to tell you something." I turn toward him. "Is that right?"

"E-eh, yes! Indeed!" Zaimokuza cleared his throat as if trying to reset the conversation. "Ahem! Hachiman!"

"Yup, that's me." Pfft.

"I have joined you here to see if you will abide by your oath to grant our wishes! It is but a single, sublime desire!"

"I know." Hikigaya sorts through the pages. "You want us to read this shit, right?"

"What an uncouth way of putting it, but indeed, what you are holding is my chef-d'oeuvre! My first ever light novel's manuscript! I intend to apply to a certain novel competition for new authors, but unfortunately, I have no friends, and therefore, no second opinions! Please read that, if you would!" …Is there something rather sad in the middle of this?

"As I expected." Hikigagya let out a silent sigh and met my gaze. His eyes are empty, as always. "While I understand that you ain't putting this stuff up online and ask for feedback for good reasons, Zaimokuza, I still would like you to…well, as least, you know, make an account in preparation and all that, you know."

"Huh, but why? I have no intent to ever put my manuscript up there-Those people have no mercy. They would probably shred my heart to pieces with their criticism."

"I mean, you aren't exactly wrong about that." Hikigaya snorted noisily and handled me the pages. It seems to be indeed a manuscript of some sort. "But then…" Zaimokuza gulped audibly as he locks eyes with the now-grinning Hikigaya, probably realizing too late what he had just done.

"…Me and Yukinoshita here are probably going to be harsher than the people online, y'knowww?"


	10. Chapter 8

Hey, hey, people. SSeth- I mean, Minh here. I am not dead. Not yet, anyway. Stuff happened, and somehow I had committed two of the greatest sins in a row: not saving your goddamn file every five minutes AND not making any backup at all.

Needless to say, I was fucked.

Being the lazy fuck that I was (and still am), I had made almost every excuse ever exists to procrastinate writing this.

Yet finally, here I am, and here we go.

Still, I hope you enjoy this short, little snippet as much as I enjoy writing this.

* * *

 **As** **suggested by** **the dialogue , Hikigaya Hachiman works like an ass. This is a really bad double-entendre and I am not apologizing.**

"Onii-channnnn, I am like, super duper uber thirsty right now!" Komachi said as she barged into the living room, her slippers making tiny pit-pat sounds on the wooden floor.

"Uh-huh." I said without looking up from the transcript, my eyes still glued to the chicken-scrawls that made up Zaimokuza's light novel. Not the easiest thing to be done when someone keep pestering you for…what? Probably coffee. She somehow got really hooked on my coffee, despite the horrendous first attempt.

"…Really? Bro, Is that all you can say to your dearest, cutest, most adorable little sister?" Well damn, here she goes and make that fake sniffling sound again.

"I only see a spoiled needy brat here though." What do you think I am, a sis-con?

"Onii-channnnnnnnnn!" With a shrieky war-cry befit of a baboon, Komachi pounced onto me like a hobo onto a can of bean.

"Oi, I'm working here, stop shaking me up like I stole your lunch money or something!"

"…You did what?" …Now that is a scary face.

"You know goddamn well that's a figure of speech, Komachi."

"Do I? You are a really bad person, onii-chan, saying things like that to your onlyyyyy little sister. I demand compensation for all the damage to my poor little heart!"

"…Do I have to compensate for your poor little chest too-Ow ow ow, easy on the ear!"

"Onii-chan, there are things you should never, ever said to a girl, you know?" That smile shouldn't be able to terrify me, but somehow it does. Funny.

"…I will say whatever the hell I wa-Ouch, not the nape too!"

"-And you will reap what you sow." Komachi softens her glare. "You are really hopeless, bro. How would you survive without me? Will I really have to actually make an effort to support you into a nursing home just after turning twenty? Oh my, ohh myyyyy…"

"…That scores a lot of Komachi's point!" I said in a sing-song tone as I put the manuscript down to ruffle her hair.

"Hmh, don't think I will forgive you with just that! I demand more!"

"More coffee?"

"More coffee!"

"Well, there's some in the fridge though, but I drank a bit from it already."

"Who cares! We are sibling after all!" Komachi instantly pitter-patter away, humming a joyful tune under her breath.

"Said the one who refused to share the same laundry basket with dad. Pop got really sad, y'know?"

"T-that is an entirely different matter! Jeez, you are hopeless! Really hopeless! Seriously hopeless!"

"Yeah yeah, whatever. Just don't drink it all, okay?"

"Too late!"

"…And here goes my daily dose of caffeine."

"That much coffee is bad for you, Onii-chan, so in a sense I am helping you out!"

"Help, huh…by all means, I do need help." I slap my hand on the draft. "Just not the kind of help you offer."

"Too bad, then! Isn't it a little sister's duty to annoy and distract her grumpy, totally hopeless and not at all attractive big bro when he started looking like a murderous wet duck?"

"...Murderous wet duck? I can't even…I mean, did my concentrated face really look that bad?"

"More like constipated face, eh."

"Ugh."

"See, you even pout like a duck!"

"And so do you-We are sibling, after all."

"As least I am cuter than you!"

"That isn't exactly a high bar you raised there…Oh well. Now, you could please let me wor-"

"…Bro, what were you reading?" Ugh.

"Stuff."

"…Hentai?"

"Nah, just…stuff. I don't really know how to describe this properly. It is just…you know, a mess of stuff. And worse, it is a mess of unmemorable, boring stuff."

"…I still don't know what that is, Onii-chan, your description sucks. Is it a light novel or something along the line?"

"Yup."

"And you dislike it?"

"Well, dislike is a bit too strong, but…yeah, probably? I mean, I don't think I like it, but…"

"…You hate it. Why are you still reading it anyway?"

"Club's request. I need this reviewed by tomorrow."

"Fair enough. Sorry I took all of your coffee then, Tee-hee!"

"...Whatever, it is no big deal. I can just brew another batch after all. Maybe I should brew extra-Yukino probably would look like shit tomorrow, having had to deal with this…"

"Yukino? Is that like, a girl name? A-are you finally getting a girlfriend, Onii-chan?!"

"Nah, we're just clubmates."

"Oh, so you finally joined a club, huh?"

"More like forced into one, but yeah, your bro is finally a respectable member of society now, tolling away his mortal body till the end of the day like a grand-ass normie. Happy yet?"

"…Not until you stop acting like that. Still, how many people are in the club?"

"Three, I guess?"

"…You guess?"  
"I mean, one didn't technically join yet, but I know she will. That's a fact. A predetermined one."

"She? So…You are the only male in the club, right?"

"Yup."

"…Are you planning to make a harem?"

"You little…No. No, no and no. In fact, this brewing extra dealie here? Just me taking the extra steps to ensure that exactly nothing will ever come out of it. Nothing, ya hear?"

"Booooo, I am not listening, I am not listening at allllll, la-la-la-laaaaaa." Komachi skipped out the room with her ears plugged and…mhm, by the sound of her footsteps, she probably went upstairs to take a bath. Or to do other girl things.

Such as taking bath.

…As expected, neither of us is well-versed in girl-things.

"Finally, some peace and quiet. I still have exactly…132 pages left. Ugh. Hope I still remember something by the end of this mess."

"Onii-chan." Suddenly, without a sound, Komachi's face popped in from the doorway. Which didn't, by any mean, gave me a scare. At all.

"W-wut?" See? Not scared. Just startled. Normal human behavior regards to unexpected stimulus.

"…Are they beautiful?"

"You are still going on about that?!"


	11. Chapter 9

Imma on a roll! Or something! As you can clearly see, I am hopped on too much coffee! And I found out that max coffee is actually pretty shitty as far as coffee goes! My disappointment was immeasurable, and my day was ruined!

...Oh well, here goes another chapter! Hope you enjoy it!

* * *

 **And thus Zaimokuza's world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.**

-If I were to slap a label on Zaimokuza's novel, it would be your typical run-of the mill high school power fantasy. You got your protagonist being the unlucky everydude who got himself tangled into a web of intrigues and plots, got caught in the crossfire of all the major powers and somehow not only survived but thriving likes a cockroach under a nuclear winter.

Basically, this is Zaimokuza's wish fulfillment.

If real life fulfilled every psychological need we human beings have, we probably would not want to write fiction at all. Human beings have needs, and some of these needs are psychological in nature. This is an undeniable fact. When a person's real life does not provide all of these psychological needs, they can turn to fiction in order to provide for these needs. By itself, it is neutral. Neither bad nor good. Acceptable as a healthy way for the human psyche to deal with dissatisfaction. There is nothing at all wrong with this, in and of itself.

Unless it makes one nut.

People sometimes identified too much with the characters they liked. They go around defending fictional characters as if they were real, because they are not defending the character but merely idealized versions of themselves and/or embodiment of their values seen in the character. An attack on the character is seen as an attack on traits they (the real person) personally possesses and/or admires. It is a sad thing, indeed.

Yet, it could be worse.

They could be, oh god forbid, writing shitty self-insert fanfic.

Still, nevertheless, it is a relatively healthy outlet, and with Zaimokuza being…well, Zaimokuza, this is certainly better than other outlets, given everything I known of his characters.

With that in mind, I entered the special building quietly, certainly mindful of the napping Yukinoshita, and set up my shop quietly.

Everyone looks peaceful when they sleep, and so do our resident little kitten. Her almost-smiling face was a far cry from her usual stern, sharp, try-hard demeanor. It is pretty hard to stop myself from poking her in the cheek, pat her head or scratch her nape, seeing her like this.

…Shoud I do it?

"Yahallooo!" …Just as I was deciding on the pro-and-con of petting Yukinoshita, Yuigahama made her entrance and barged right in like a banshee out of hell, startling both me and Yukinoshita, who woke up banging her head into the table and bounce right up.

It took me an immersive amount of effort to not laugh at her sleepy, abashed face.

"Hello, Yuigahama-san." Yukinoshita mumbled as she let out a kitty-like yawn and stretched grandly, extending both her hands above her head. Cute.

"…And Hikigaya?"

"Yeah?"

"One look at your face woke me right up." Not cute.

"And here I was thinking of sharing you some of my coffee since you looked like you also had it pretty rough last night…"

"No thanks, I am allergic to canned coffee-flavored syrup." Yukinoshita sneered.

Did she just trash-talk my coffee?

…Unacceptable.

"Listen up and listen well: this bad boi here- "I pulled out the vacuum insulated thermos "-is the real deal, lassie." Without any further ado, I uncap the thermos and started pouring the golden-brown liquid inside into a paper cup. "Extra dark roasted Robusta, coarse ground, filter-dripped into perfection mixed with creamy sweetened condensed milk. Here, try it. I insist." I put the almost filled cup in front of Yukinoshita and turn toward Yuigahama. "Oi, you want some too?"

"H-huh? Uhm, if you please…" Not even waiting for her to finish, I pull out another cup and started pouring in the pleasantly warm, brown-colored little slice of heaven before handing it to Yui, who just smiled bashfully as she took the warm cup in her hand, mumbling something under her breath. Probably a thank you or some sort, I don't know.

Nor care.

"So, Yukinoshita, ready to eat your words back yet?" I snickered.

"This coffee…isn't bad." Yukinoshita said between sips. "It feels like a punch to the face at first: shockingly sweet and strong, mellows down into a rich, full-bodied aftertaste. The heavy contrasts between the bitter coffee and the sweetened milk, the bittersweet and…robust, yet smooth mouthfeel it gives isn't as unpleasant as I expected." Yukinoshita paused and sighed. "No matter how I dislike saying this to you of all people, it seemed like I was…wrong."

"Mhm-hmh." I smiled triumphantly as I turn toward Yui, who is sipping on the coffee as she flips through the manuscript at an insane pace.

…She probably didn't read it at all, like how it originally happened.

"So, how is it?"

"Pretty bad!" …Huh?  
"R-really?"

"Yup, this novel is like, really boring! And it is so long!" Yuigahama whined and shattered my worries in one fell swoop.

"…Well, I was asking about the coffee." Don't think I didn't hear your snickers, Yukinoshita. There will be payback!

"Oh?" Bitch please.

"Oh." Bitch pleaseeeeee.

"Well, mhmmmmmmmm…It is good!"

"…Okay." A very Yui-like answer, as expected.

"I didn't know you were that starved for faint praises, Hikigaya-kun. How fitting of your characters."

"Hush, you!" I sneered and served myself a shot of coffee, then down it in one gulp. So good…

Just as I was pouring in another shot, I heard a gruff knock on the clubroom door.

"This one begs your pardon…"

Zaimokuza once again spoke in an archaic fashion and entered into the room.

"Oi, want some coffee?!" I yelled to him.

"Thank you, dearest companion, but I had had my fill." Translation: I drank too much cheap coke, and I don't want to bust my bladder drinking more stuff.

"Okay, more for me I guess." I gulp down the second shot and drag myself back to the usual spot, my heartbeats going a bit faster than usual from all the caffeine and sugar overload.

"Well thhen, let's get this shitshow going. You first, Yukinoshita?"

"…Very well."

Zaimokuza docked himself into a chair opposite of Yukinoshita and crossed his arms arrogantly. There was a sense of superiority coming from God-knows-where on his face. It was an expression overflowing with confidence. Misplaced confidence, to be exact, seeing how Yukinoshita, sitting across from him, looked unusually apologetic.

"I'm sorry. I don't really understand these kinds of things too well, but…"

Yukinoshita started off with that, but Zaimokuza responded completely calmly.

"I don't mind. Even ones such as I occasionally wish to hear the opinions of the common folk. Speak your mind." Oh bois.

"I see." Yukinoshita responded curtly and took a deep breath. Here comes the pain train!

"It was boring. In fact, it was almost painful to read. It was boring beyond imagination." Bomb dropped! Absolutely no holding back!

"Oofgh!" Zaimokuza, as expected, was cut down in a single stroke!

His chair rattled as he rocked backwards in it, but Zaimokuza managed to find his balance and sit upright again.

"H-hmm… Well then, for future reference, would you kindly inform me: which parts of the work were boring?"

Suddenly, Yukinoshita turned and looked me in the eyes.

Somehow, in just 5 seconds, without even a word exchanged, we both came to an understanding.

The matter is settled.

I gave her a light nod, and she, in turn, nodded back at me and turned toward Zaimokuza, a pleasant smile on her face.

"Everything."


	12. Chapter 10

I wrote stuff! Stuff is gud! Now I'm off, to play vidya, and learn to draw stuff!

Hope you enjoy my stuff!~

* * *

 **As expected, Zaimokuza is keen on showing us his dance moves.**

"…-Yukinoshita? let's just stop there for now. Dude is like, totally, completely, undeniably outta it." The sight before me was…agonizing, to say the least. Overreactions aside, Zaimokuza looked like he had had his soul sucked out by a vacuum cleaner, his face spotting a bland, dumbfounded smile rivals that of an asylum patient as tears pour out from his eyes.

As expected, Yukinoshita Yukino's criticisms were brutal.

"Indeed. My words will only fall on deaf ear if I choose to continue." Yukinoshita sighed. "How feeble."

"You are one to speak." I chided. "Oi pinkie, you done?"

"Huh?" Yuigahama replied absentmindedly, her eyes still glued to her phone screen.

"The novel, Yui." I facepalmed. "If you have anything nice to say, then spit it out: Zaimokuza is looking more and more like a dead fish by the second here."

"Mhmmmm…" Yuigahama put down her phone and looked up just in time to see Zaimokuza facing her with a pleading expression. She probably saw that and pitied the poor fellow, so she seemed to try and think of some compliment she could pay him. She fell into thought while staring off into the air and summoned up a few words of encouragement. With a triumphant "A-ha!", Yuigahama turned toward Zaimokuza, a bright, warm, encouraging smile on her face.

Oh no.

"You sure know a lot of tough words, Zaimokuza-kun!"

And thus, Zaimokuza howl, an anguish wailing that sound like something between a cat's mating call and a bull being castrated, as if in mourning of his hope and dream, trampled into dust not by icy harsh words nor cruel machination, but by a warm smile and an honest compliment.

"Why are you looking at me like that, Hikki? Are you thinking something stupid again? A-and why you too Yukinoshita?! Is there something on my face? " Yuigahama went into a small panic under our collective gaze. I slowly turn to look at Yukinoshita: with her mouth agape, sweat pouring out from her forehead, she looks just as surprised and…horrified as I am. Our eyes again met in a split second, and we reached yet another conclusion in record time:

 _That girl is dangerous._

I shook my head a few times to get my bearing back, and before I knew it, I was already chuckling heartily as the sheer absurdity of the situation, only pause to pour out some coffee for Zaimokuza, who accepted the drink with the reverence fit for a man dying of dehydration.

"Here, drink it slowly." I instructed Zaimokuza. "Savor the taste. It will give you strength. Not the strength you deserve, but the strength you need." I stood up and sauntered toward the empty seat before him: Yukinoshita had long returned to her usual spot, her task completed and her need of cute cats' video satisfied by your truly.

…She really would use all of my phone's battery at this rate.

"G-gnnghh… H-Hachiman. You…you understand me, right? The world I created, this vast landscape of light novel magnificence… You understand it, right? You understand this profound story I spun and all these other fools cannot hope to appreciate… Right?" Zaimokuza pleaded, the arrogant fire in his eyes replaced with a madden desperation for validation. Struck with a sight like that, I couldn't help but nod reassuringly towards him.

"It will be fine."

"H-Hachiman…" Zaimokuza looked at me with eyes of absolute trust…

…As I took the empty cup out of his hand, fill it to the brim with coffee and hand it backs to him.

"…Huh?"

"Think of this as…mhm, the final boss's generosity. You know how there is always a save point and a bunch of supplies just before the big bad boss room? Because you are going to need _all_ of it." I flashed him a toothy grin, and my heart spiked with undeniable joy as his shivering get worse.

"H-huh?!"

"Didn't you forget it already, Zaimokuza? Me warning you that I am probably going to be harsher than the peeps online and all that stuff?"

"B-but…You…my sworn comrade…"

"Mhm, indeed, thank you for pointing out yet another convenient excuse to get even harsher!"

"N-no…"

"Face it, Zaimokuza. We are both demons now. Prisoners of our own making. You. Me. We have no place to run, nowhere to hide. So bottom up." I chuckled, pour myself a cup of the now lukewarm coffee and raise it towards his face. "I promise I won't scatter your sorrow to the heartless sea."

With a shaky motion befits a newborn deer, Zaimokuza clinked his paper cup with mine, and we both empty our drinks in one fell gulp.

"This is good…isn't it?" Oh boys, how I would kill for a cigar and a lighter right now.

"…Hachiman…" By the look of it, my effort wasn`t in vain: The fire of life, little by little, was coming back to Zaimokuza, as he regarded me with eyes filled with determination.

"Can you start already?" …And then, as expected, Yukinoshita chimed in and destroyed the mood I worked so hard to build in just one sentence.

"Hush and go back to binge-watching cat videos, you silly little thing! I'm busy conditioning- I mean, restoring-his psyche here!"

"Your phone has no battery left." Yukinoshita said matter-of-factly. "And you took too long. I fully expected to see Zaimokuza writhing on the floor like a dying fish by now."

"That is exactly what I am trying to prevent here! It isn't exactly easy to undo what you and pinkie did, y'know?!" I spat out and spared a glance at Zaimokuza, who weakly nod back to me. "But eh, whatever. He's good now. Not good enough to withstand everything I am going to say, but hopefully long enough to get the gist of what I want to convey." I gave a long sigh and started concentrating on my words.

"You know, Zaimokuza. Despite everything, I really don't want to do this. I mean, Yukinoshita had criticized you aplenty already. But even though the topics she raised are valid, almost all of them are superficial. She shits on your grammar, your words choice, your useless, pointless exposition scenes that served nothing but to stroke your ego, et cetera." I pause and take a deep breath. "All fixable stuffs. In fact, a decent editor, provided you have one and are willing to work with one, can rectify all of these problems." I looked into Zaimokuza's eyes. "Initially, I really was planning to be just as harsh as I shown you, but since we don't really have much time left and you aren't fit ta learn the proper meaning of a beatdown, I am going to be reasonable and ask you only three simple, easy to answer questions."

"O-only three?"

"Only three." I nodded. "First thing first, Zaimokuza, could you please tell me what is your light novel about?"

"Easy! It is about a boy named Kaimozuka who suddenly awakened to his hidden powers and-"

"-No no no no no, Zaimokuza, I am not asking you to recite the plot. I am asking you what is this about. I am asking you to go elbow deep into the story's most tenderest of orifices and see for yourself what truly lies at the heart of the beast. It could be mundane. It could be profound. But it must be there. If you're just phoning it in, wandering aimlessly through the narrative without purpose, the audience is going to feel that. The audience can smell confusion the way that dogs can smell fear and sharks can smell blood." I paused. "Unless that's your theme."

"…Okay?"

"I can see that you are confused, Zaimokuza, so I will repeat my question again: what is this all about?"

"It is about…uhm…if you are determined to do something, you can do it?"

"See, not that hard, isn't it?" I smiled and slapped Zaimokuza on the shoulder. "Onto the next question: If, hypothetically, your protagonist is facing off against a side-antagonist, who he knows is very, very dangerous and could potentially down him in just one shot. Fortunately, he had a sure-kill technique, one that is guaranteed to work on this particular enemy, one that isn't forbidden, dangerous to himself, or made him a big target like his other sure kill techniques. What would he do? In fact, what would YOU do in that situation?"

"Of course I would blast my opponent down with the safe, guaranteed sure kill technique! Who do you think I am to take needless risks?"

"Sure you do, pal. But lookie: in this scene here-" I flipped open the draft and turned it towards him."-Your protagonist do the exact opposite. He takes needless risks, he taunts his enemy, he got beaten to an inch of his life…"

"B-but the second heroine do jump out to save him though!"

"…Just like how I am going to pull a gun outta my ass." I sneered.

"Well, how could I introduce the heroine otherwise?!"

"Then don't. There will be plenty of other opportunity to do so. I don't care if your plot is about as straight as a rabbit's digestive tract or as convoluted as a creationist's sermon, but it must make sense. Anticipate that your readers are going to be intelligent and will be able to smell mayhem and foolishness from a mile away." I glanced at Yukinoshita. "…And ten miles away for her."

"Hmhp." Yukinoshita harrumphed indignantly.

"All I want to say is that, y'know, there is a lot of thing you can sacrifice in the name of a theme, a good story. Grammar, plot point, exposition, backstory, your darling…the list goes on and on. But there are 2 things you shouldn't throw out of the windows unless you know exactly what you are doing, Zaimokuza: Logic-"

"…And clarity."

"Exactly, Yukinoshita. Still, no offense, but I'd like to ask you to…well, refrain from commenting, since I doubt he is in any condition to take both of us at once."

"None taken." Yukinoshita cast a rare glance of pity toward Zaimokuza and sighed. "Unlike you, I gain no joy from tormenting people."

"So spoke the Ice queen." I snorted.

"What about me?!" Yuigahama, who apparently had gotten bored of her phone, chimed in innocently…

…As Zaimokuza shivered uncontrollably immediately after.

"Please don't." x2

"Ehhhh?!"

"…Yukinoshita, would you be a dear and…contain Yuigahama?"

"Don't tell me what to do, Hikigaya." She scoffed and then gave a long sigh. "But admittedly, that would be the best course of action, it seems."

"Don't talk like I am some sort of natural disaster!"

"Oi, Zaimokuza. Focus. Eyes on me." I snapped my fingers toward Zaimokuza, who looked like he was going to relapse back into being a screaming mess any seconds now. "This is the last question, y'know? The final one. You will be free after this."

"F-free…"

"After this question, yes." I reassured him and put out my best honest-salesman smile, then took one deep breath and spoke in the kindest voice possible:

"Who did you rip off and why?"

-Zaimokuza writhed back and forth on the floor like a dying fish for 5 whole minutes before I managed to pacify him.


End file.
